The Lesser of Two Evils: Year One
by lasaireigh
Summary: Harry Potter has a few tricks up his sleeve that Dumbledore and Voldemort will never see coming! (Warning: This fic includes possessed squeak toys. Don't drink anything while reading.)
1. Chapter One: Green ink?

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Harry Potter or anything else that might belong to anyone else which I might accidentally mention. I wish I did. But if wishes were fishes, my cats would be happy. Since they're biting my feet, I'll assume they're not. Draw your own conclusions. You'll also note that I draw some of the material directly from the first book. I don't own that either, which pretty much follows the first sentence... Ah, well, on with the story...

Chapter One

Privet Drive was quiet at 6:00am. Ten year old Harry Potter was just waking up from a nice dream involving tap-dancing cabbages when he found himself snuggled up against a warm body. Wondering which of his guardians it was this time, he opened his eyes.

"Morning, Ate," he mumbled. The goddess smiled at him gently, her pale eyes shining in the darkness of the cupboard. For someone supposedly evil, she was astonishingly gentle and thoughtful with him. "Thanks." Ever since his guardians had taken to sleeping beside him, he had stopped having nightmares regardless of what happened during the day. She vanished abruptly as Aunt Petunia's footsteps struck overhead.

"Potter!" Petunia's shrill voice could make a whistle green with envy. "Get up, and fix breakfast. Now!"

Harry made his way into the kitchen, and began fixing the normal absurdly large meal that the Dursley's preferred. Three plates of toast, two pans of eggs, and one rack of bacon later, Harry finally got to eat his single piece of toast and glass of water that was all he was allowed until dinner. Somewhere in all of that cooking, two killer whales had come to sit at the table. The younger, but somehow fatter one was known as Dudley Dursley. The older was Vernon.

"Potter!" Vernon barked. "Go get the mail."

"Yes, Uncle Vernon," Harry nimbly dodged around the rest of the table just in case any of his relatives felt the need to back up the command with something more forceful. The usual pile of letters sat beneath the mail slot, with one exception: a cream colored, square envelope addressed to

_Mr. Harry Potter_

_The Cupboard under the Stairs_

_4 Privet Drive_

_Little Whinging_

_Surrey_

An impulse made him tuck the letter into his waistband under his shirt to read later, for he was certain that anyone who would write to him was someone the Dursleys wouldn't approve of.

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Late that night, Harry clicked on the tiny flashlight he had snuck into his cupboard and pulled out the letter. He studied the red wax seal for a few moments before opening it.

Dear Mr. Potter,

We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Please find enclosed a list of all necessary books and equipment.

Term begins on September 1. We await your owl by no later that July 31.

Yours sincerely,

Minerva McGonagall

_Deputy Headmistress_

P. S. Due to extenuating circumstances, a representative of the school will be arriving on August 20th to take you to London for your school supplies. The headmaster has requested that you stay there until the term starts.

A brief internal debate ensued over whether to tell the Dursleys about the letter or let them be surprised by the arrival of the representative. The debate was abruptly settled when he shifted position and his newly acquired bruises reminded him that he hadn't attended to them yet. Dudley _was_ always saying how much he liked surprises...

Now he needed two things: healing and answers. Pachamama, a seemingly old woman with a fierce will, appeared in front of him. He could feel the warmth and caring within her while she healed him although she left the thinnest layer of outer bruises to avoid raising the Dursleys' suspicions. A leathered hand brushed his cheek. "One of these days child," she rasped, dried leaves against silk. "One of these days, I'm going to open up the earth beneath those brutes' feet and swallow them whole for this. Mark my words."

Harry managed a little grin. Pacha had always been like a grandmother to him. "Just don't do it in the garden. I worked too hard on it for it to get ruined now."

Pacha chuckled. "On my honor, child. Your garden is perfectly safe." She

hugged him gently before she faded away.

Harry furrowed his brow in concentration. Odin was always a little harder to summon than the others...he smiled to himself as small black tattoos began appearing down the length of his arms, wrapping around his middle finger. They were intricately woven runes totaling 990. With the six larger tattoos that also appeared when he concentrated, it made for a grand total of 996 markings covering everything but his face, neck, palms, and the bottoms of his feet. He liked the large tattoos the best. On his back, there was phoenix with its wings stretched out and a jeweled sword in its talons. There was a lion on his chest with its claws outstretched. He had two dark green serpents with silver eyes wrapped around either arm with each head ending on his shoulders, and two dragons with dual tails twining about either leg. The runes filled in the spaces between the larger tattoos. Fortunately, the markings always disappeared when he stopped concentrating.

The All-Father appeared before him with a small knowing smile. "You've received your Hogwarts letter."

"Yes." Odin rarely asked questions. Harry supposed that giving up one eye to know everything made questions fairly pointless. "What do they mean by 'await my owl'?"

"Owl post is the commonly preferred means of communication amongst wizards. It is done by writing out a letter and tying it to the leg of an owl. The owl then carries the letter to the proper person by means of magical identification."

"And a wizard is a person who can use magic?"

"Generally speaking, yes. A wizard is also the term for a male magic user. A female magic user is commonly referred to as a witch."

"My parents weren't killed in a car crash, were they?" Harry asked suddenly.

Odin gave him a piercing look. "No. Lily and James Potter were not killed in a car crash. Lily was a witch. James was a wizard. Both Lily and James went to Hogwarts. That is all that I can tell you about them at the moment."

"Can you tell me why the Dursleys lied?"

"You're a smart boy, Harry. Put everything you know about your parents and the Dursleys together and tell me."

Harry pushed his anger down for a moment, long enough to register a few things. 1. The cabinet was shaking slightly. 2. If it kept shaking, there was a good chance he was in for the beating of a lifetime, and 3. Odin had called him smart. The compliment in itself, from the guardian he admired as a father, was enough to take the edge off of his anger. The cabinet stopped shaking, and Harry began putting the pieces together.

"The Dursleys hate anything abnormal, so it stands to reason that they hate everything to do with magic. That's also why I've never mentioned any of you to them. So in order to keep me from getting any ideas, they invented the story of the car crash to make my Mum and Dad seem normal." Harry paused for a second. "But if they didn't die in a car crash, then where did I get my scar?"

Odin reached over and gently traced the lightning shaped cut on his forehead. "Another question I am not allowed to answer yet," he said with an apologetic and almost tender smile. "I can tell you that you will find the answers when your escort arrives."

Harry nodded his acceptance. He was used to things he couldn't change by now, the Dursleys being the primary proof of this. "Final question, then. How do I get my hands on an owl to reply to this?"

Odin produced a raven, a piece of paper, and a pencil. "I'm sure Hugin will be an acceptable substitute for the time being," he said as Harry scribbled out a quick reply. The raven vanished through the cupboard wall with the paper clutched in his talons.

"If that is all, I will send Siren to you for tonight. You need your rest after all of this excitement." At Harry's tired nod, Odin vanished and a beautiful blond took his place. Harry lay back, listening to Siren lightly humming a lullaby and watching his tattoos fade until she turned the flashlight off.

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Just a little reminder: I like reviews. I don't mind flames, but if you feel the need to do so, I'd appreciate it if you'd make them helpful flames.

As a bit of a clarification, Harry has the ability to summon the spirits of gods and goddesses from any religion in the world, as well as mythological beings. He looks on these spirits as his family, which isn't surprising considering how the Dursleys treat him. So if anyone has a suggestion of any god or goddess they would like to see summoned, mention it in your review and I'll see what I can do with it. I personally plan on having a great deal of fun with the Weasley twins and Loki-the Norse god of mischief- and one of my personal favorites ;). By the by, this story will definitely be AU. You'll see what I mean in full later.

Also, if any of you were wondering, Pachamama is the Incan goddess of healing. She's something of a Mother Earth figure, and I see her as a sort of sweet-but-fierce grandmotherly type. You know, the kind that makes great sweet potatoes, but whaps you with the spoon if you touch them before she says grace. Ate (pronounced ah-tay, I think) is the Greek goddess of evil (mild evil, anyway), mischief, and infatuation. Hugin is one of Odin's ravens in Norse mythology. His name means thought. Odin's other raven is Munin, memory.


	2. Chapter Two: Bad Ate! Bad!

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Harry Potter or anything else that might belong to anyone else which I might accidentally mention. This includes but is not limited to: bananas, cupcakes, cupid dolls, automated teller machines, death rays, talking sharks, or alien skate boards. Thank you for your attention.

Chapter Two

August 20th rolled around with agonizing slowness. By the 15th, Harry was packed and ready to go. By the 18th, he had checked over every detail dozens of times and filched a few items that might come in handy. By the 19th, it had occurred to him that money was going to be a problem, and a panicked call to Odin had assured him that it was already taken care of. Now it was 9:00am, and Harry was feverishly pulling weeds from his aunt's garden as he waited for the representative to arrive.

His cousin's panicked scream alerted him first, and Harry was up toward the house like a shot. Standing just inside the doorway of the living room was a hairy giant of a man who was currently engaged in a conversation/shouting match with Vernon Dursley.

"And I suppose a big muggle like yerself is going to stop him?" the giant asked good naturedly. He spotted Harry standing in the doorway and grinned. "Hello Harry! Name's Hagrid, keeper of the keys and grounds at Hogwarts. Have you packed yet?"

"I tell you he'll not be going!" Vernon was slowly turning purple.

"I'm already packed," Harry answered, ignoring his uncle. "What's a muggle?"

"Non-magic folk."

Vernon made a grab for Harry, which he easily avoided. The boy ducked around behind Hagrid and pulled his duffel bag out of his cupboard. He could hear Hagrid's heavy footsteps and Vernon's loud protests approaching as he made his way out the front door.

"All set?" Hagrid asked.

Harry nodded. "Goodbye Uncle Vernon."

Vernon and Petunia Dursley stood in the doorway of Number 4 Privet Drive attempting to glare their nephew and his visitor into an early grave. At Hagrid's raised eyebrow, they finally muttered a reluctant goodbye.

And Harry Potter was free.

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Diagon Alley was the single most beautiful, wonderful place Harry Potter had ever set eyes on. Even everyone staring at his scar like he was the main attraction of an octopus exhibit couldn't dampen his spirits. The very air made his skin tingle. He and Hagrid had already been to Gringotts, Flourish and Blotts, the apothecary, and Ollivanders, and now they were heading to Madam Malkin's Robes for All Occasions to pick up a new wardrobe for the school year. Harry was very grateful that he had such a huge trust fund from his parents, though he would have preferred to have kept his parents rather than the money.

Thus far, he had been having the best day of his life bar none, even including the strange incident in Ollivander's wand shop. It had been fun trying out different wands, of course, but to find out that the only wand in the shop that would accept him shared a core with the wand that had nearly killed him? Harry found that a little peculiar, but he had decided that it wasn't the wands fault who it was related to. It seemed a rather good wand to him, anyway.

Madame Malkin's Robes for All Occasions was already occupied by a beautiful pale silver-eyed boy with light blonde hair when he and Hagrid entered. Harry immediately liked the boy, if only because his eyes reminded Harry of his snake tattoos. Hagrid left Harry at the door while he left to run some errands.

"Come in dear, and climb up on a stool," Madame Malkim said kindly. "I'm just putting the finishing touches on young Draco's robes."

Draco smiled over at Harry from his stool. "Hello. I'm Draco Malfoy. I take it this is to be your first year at Hogwarts as well? What's your name?"

Harry grinned. "I'm Harry Potter. It's nice to meet you."

Draco blinked, then glanced at the scar. Then blinked again. "It's nice to meet you, too." Then he shook himself and regained his composure. "So what house do you think you'll be in?"

Now it was Harry's turn to blink. "House? I'm afraid I don't understand."

"Hogwarts is separated into four houses," Draco explained. "Slytherin, Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff, and Gryffindor. Your personality determines your house, and whatever house you're sorted into is where you stay for the next seven years at Hogwarts. Hufflepuffs are hard workers, Ravenclaws are the intellectuals, Gryffindors are either brave or suicidal-no one knows which, and Slytherins are ambitious and clever. I'm going to be in Slytherin. Malfoys always are." The last was said with no small amount of pride.

By now, Draco was done being fitted, and Harry was being measured in every way it was possible to imagine. Harry thought about it for a moment. "I honestly don't know," he said at last. "But I doubt it will be Hufflepuff. Somehow I doubt I would fit in amongst willingly hard labor."

A tall elegant man with blonde hair walked into the robe shop. "Harry, I'd like for you to meet my father, Lucius Malfoy, "Draco said formally. "Father, this is Harry Potter." Harry only caught the brief flash of surprise in the elder Malfoy's eyes because he was looking for it.

"This is...an unexpected pleasure, Mr. Potter." Lucius said smoothly.

"Please, sir, I'd prefer if you call me Harry," Harry said softly.

"Harry, then. Will you be staying in London long?"

"Just until the term starts, sir."

Harry could see Mr. Malfoy opening his mouth to say something more when he felt Ate rise up and attempt to strike something on the street in a fit of rage. He was at the window in an instant, fighting to restrain her as she manifested beside him.

"HARRY LET ME GO!!!" She shrieked.

"You'll destroy half of the street if I do!" Harry snapped. "Now calm down and tell me who you're after, Ate!" He could clearly see the runes blazing on his hands as he clutched the goddess's arms.

"The old man with the bag of candy! Now LET ME KILL HIM!!"

"Why?" Harry said calmly as he watched the old man. He could feel the irate goddess running out of steam.

"I...I can't tell you now," the goddess said quietly. "But he hurt you. Badly. And he needs to pay for it."

"Not good enough," Harry answered gently. "Especially when there's a street full of innocent people involved. Go home Ate." He was shaking as he sat on the stool after she vanished. He reluctantly met Draco's eyes and was relieved to find them filled with concern rather than fear. "Do you know who that old man was, Draco?"

It was Lucius who answered. "That was Albus Dumbledore, the resident headmaster of Hogwarts. I take this to mean that you are a summoner, Harry?"

Harry smiled tiredly. "So that's what it's called. Thank you. Now I can find books about it." He even managed a little laugh. It wasn't easy dealing with an evil goddess throwing a temper tantrum. 

"Are you alright, Harry?" Draco asked worriedly.

"I'm just tired. Ate doesn't throw fits very often, but when she does..." Harry made a falling whistling noise then a splatting sound. "I have a feeling I'm going to have to bind her to keep from getting expelled during the school year. I doubt the Headmaster would appreciate death threats from vengeful goddesses."

Madame Malkim coughed lightly to regain everyone's attention. "I have everything I need now dears, so when your robes are done I'll send them to you via owl post, if that's all right." The shopkeeper looked a little flustered, but otherwise professional.

Lucius stepped up and pressed something into her palm. "I'm sure that would be most satisfactory, Madame, and I would appreciate your...discretion...about this incident in the future," he said smoothly.

"Of course, Mr.Malfoy."

He turned back to Harry and smiled. "How would you like to spend the days

before the term starts at Malfoy Manor, Harry? My wife Narcissa has a cousin who is staying there, and he's been waiting a very long time to meet you."

Harry looked over at Draco and noticed the hopeful expression. "I could even teach you how to play Quidditch!" the blond wheedled

"What's Quidditch?" Harry asked.

Draco grinned deviously. "Say yes and you'll find out."

"I'll have to ask Hagrid," Harry said as they were walking out the door, "but I'd love to come."

As it turned out, Hagrid was waiting outside the door with a snowy owl in a cage. "Happy Birthday, Harry!" He said. He was smiling until he saw the Malfoys. "Hello, Malfoy. What are you doing here?"

"I am simply obtaining school supplies for my son," he answered. "Is there a law against it of which I should be aware?" Someone in the crowd seemed to catch the elder Malfoy's eye. "Ah, Severus, your timing is impeccable. Won't you join us?" A tall, sallow man with a slightly crooked nose and silky black hair joined them. "Harry, may I introduce you to Severus Snape, Hogwarts resident potions master? Severus, this is Harry Potter. I was just on the verge of requesting that young Harry be allowed to stay at Malfoy Manor for the rest of the summer, but I fear that Hagrid may have had some objections about a lack of proper guardianship from the school."

"Oh, I see," Professor Snape was wearing what might have been a slight smile or a well-disguised sneer.

Harry smiled up at Hagrid hopefully. "So can I go?"

"Professors Black and Lupin are also currently in residence at the manor," Lucius added.

For whatever reason, those two names worked where everything else had not. Hagrid's eyes softened, "Alright then Harry. I can't see the harm in it. Here's your ticket for the Hogwarts' Express. Jest make sure that you stick to it." Harry could see Draco trying to suppress a triumphant smile out of the corner of his eye.

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Remember, reviews are a wonderful invention made by tiny little cheese processors named Sam, and all of these Sams want you to review....oooooohhhhh....aaaaahhhh....

(I get this information directly from my cat Snow-flake. She swears to its accuracy.)

And while I'm on the subject of reviews:

Night-Owl123: Thanks! You're my first ever review! -gives out cookie-

Frog1: I actually prefer Greek mythology as well, but I like having the freedom to pick from any of the religions on the planet. Besides, I needed an omnipotent spirit and a father figure for Harry- plus the potential for jokes about Odin's missing eye and his lack of depth perception was too much to pass up! -gives out cookie-


	3. Chapter Three: Dinner with the Malfoys

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Harry Potter or anything else that might belong to anyone else which I might accidentally mention. This does not apply to hot glue or small paper products for reasons made obvious by a highly complicated mathematical formula that my cat explained to me sometime around two a.m. last night. I'd go into detail, but she swore me to secrecy.

On a side note this story will contain slash of the Remus-Sirius variety, mostly because I think that they work well together and it's kinda necessary for the plot. This won't be a major feature in the story, and there will be no lemon scenes between them for more reasons than I care to go into, but it will be there. So if this makes you uncomfortable, I suggest that you stop reading now. Otherwise, on with the story...

Chapter Three

Malfoy Manor was humongous. Harry hadn't even realized he'd had a height complex until he was standing outside the parlor doors...then WHAM!...total insignificance.

"So..." Draco drawled. "Do you like it?"

"I feel short," Harry blurted out. "I mean _really_ short! How tall are those doors? Eight, twelve feet? Is everything here gigantic? Maybe I should carry around a ladder with me so I can reach the top of the tables. Or is there some sort of drink that you eat...I mean drink...or was it the cake that you drank...I mean ate...I like mushrooms..." Harry finally petered off. Draco had his face buried in a pillow, shoulders shaking. The adults were staring at him with looks of complete confusion and the beginnings of amusement. Finally, Harry collected himself enough to add. "What I meant to say was 'I like it very much, thank you.'"

Which set Draco off into another bout of laughter.

"Draco," Lucius said mildly, still smiling, "once you're done, perhaps you'd like to show Harry to his room? Dinner will be held at 8."

Harry's room was directly across from Draco's, and-as one would expect from a bedroom in Malfoy Manor-lavishly furnished. It was decorated in tasteful blues and greens with a large desk, a larger wardrobe, and a bed so big that Harry would have to swim through the coverlets to reach the center of it. There were two doors: one to a bathroom with a swimming pool for a tub ("Well that's alarming," Harry said to the small rubber mouse in his duffle bag. "I never learned how to swim.") and one to a terrace with a magnificent ocean view. "They seem determined to drown me, Rumples."

Draco watched Harry's exploration with growing curiosity. "Who's Rumples?"

Harry reached into his bag and pulled out a small gray squeak toy. With the air of someone introducing a head of state, Harry Potter held out his first friend in the palm of his hand for inspection by his second. "Draco, I would like to introduce you to Rumples the Rubber Mouse. Rumples, this is Draco Malfoy."

Predictably, one of his guardians took it as an opportunity to show off, and Rumples squeaked smartly and bowed. "Loki, stop possessing Rumples!"

Draco grinned. "I take it Rumples doesn't normally bow of his own accord."

"Not usually, no."

"May I?" Draco was fascinated by the simple muggle object, even though it was technically below a 'Malfoy's dignity.' He particularly liked the squeaky noises. He stood studying Rumples for over an hour while Harry settled into his room and dressed for dinner until...

"Draco, it's 7:30."

"Bloody Hell!"

Dinner looked like it was intended to be a formal affair, since it was set around a large table with expensive looking decorations. There were three strangers already seated by the time Harry and Draco entered. On Lucius right was a beautiful blond woman with blue eyes. She was obviously Draco's mother, Narcissa Malfoy.

The other two were men. One was delicate looking and light haired with a gentle demeanor and honey colored eyes. The other was an extraordinarily handsome man with black hair and blue eyes. He could hear Ate's gleeful whisper in the back of his mind, _Puppies!_

Their eyes widened in recognition as soon as they saw him, and before he knew it he was nearly suffocated by the two men. "Harry!" "We thought we would never find you!"

Lucius interrupted smoothly. "Harry, may I introduce your godfathers, Sirius Black and Remus Lupin?" He said, indicating the brunette and the brown-haired man respectively.

Remus was smiling widely. "We've been looking for you ever since you disappeared. I hope we didn't crush you or anything..." he added sheepishly.

Sirius was grinning like a giant puppy. "Of course not! I bet he's built just like Jamie! That man could fall down ten flights of stairs and walk away with a paper cut!"

Harry blinked. He was confused, and he wasn't sure whether it was due to his recently reduced oxygen supply or something else, but he could have sworn Lucius had claimed he had godfathers. "If I had godfathers, then why was I sent to live with the Dursleys?" he asked.

Everyone seemed to stop suddenly. It was Severus who answered. "By all rights, legal custody of you should have been transferred to your godfathers upon your parents' deaths. The fact that you ended up at the Dursleys remains a complete mystery to everyone but the person who put you there, as does the reasoning behind it. At the least, it was a breach in legality. At the most, it was tantamount to abduction."

Harry looked up at his newly discovered Godfathers. "So I should have been with you all this time?"

"Yes," Sirius said. Remus just nodded.

"I think I'll call Odin after dinner."

Over dinner, Harry found out several interesting facts about his new godfathers:

1. Remus was a werewolf. 2. Werewolves mated for life. 3. Sirius was Remus's mate. 4. Sirius taught Charms at Hogwarts ("I forbid you from making any more bad puns about your position while we are eating dinner, Black!" Snape warned after the thirteenth 'charming' joke. "And I forbid you from making any jokes using the word position," Remus added.) 5. Remus taught Ancient Runes. ("You're such a nerd, Moony," Sirius said affectionately. "I seem to recall you admiring that aspect when I was helping you with your homework."), and 6. They were leaving as soon as dinner was over to legalize adoption papers to make sure Harry couldn't be stolen from them again.

"You do want to be adopted, don't you?" Remus asked nervously.

In the space of little over an hour, Harry had come to like the both of his godfathers immensely and the mere thought of going back to the Dursleys made him want to cry. "Of course I want to be adopted! I've only spent an hour with you two, and I already like you both much better than I ever liked the Dursleys!" They didn't need to know that their competition for his affections resembled moldy buckets of lard and a badly drawn stick figure. After all there was no reason to make them think they were getting off easy...

Severus Snape openly sneered at the two men when they looked like they were about to cry with joy. "If you're so pleased to be adopting the boy then may I suggest that you hurry up with it before whoever absconded with him in the first place sees fit to interfere with your attempt to gain custody over him? And for Merlin's sake stop that infernal sniffling before I lose my dinner!"

Narcissa smiled. "Ah, Severus, trust you to see the light side of the situation."

"Why, mother, was that sarcasm?" Draco looked surprised.

Sirius was frowning, however. "I hate to admit it, but I think Sev's right. We do need to hurry."

Remus screamed, clutching his heart. "It's the seventh sign of the apocalypse!" Even Severus looked surprised, but just as they were flooing out he recovered enough to snap, "Don't call me Sev!"

Lucius turned to Harry afterward. "Now, I believe you mentioned something about contacting Odin?" he asked.

Harry nodded. "He knows everything. Whether he's willing to tell it or not may be an entirely different story though, but most of the time it depends on how or when you ask the question. For instance, he refused to tell me anything about how my parents were killed until after Hagrid came to pick me up from the Dursleys."

"And do you think he will be adverse to any of us asking questions?"

Harry shrugged, already concentrating on calling the All-Father to him. "I don't see why he would." Odin appeared sitting on the large plush couch in front of the fireplace.

"I see your circumstances have drastically improved, my son," he said kindly.

"The Malfoy's have been very kind to me," Harry agreed. "Who left me at the Dursleys, Odin?" Harry had never been very good at small talk.

"I can't tell you that, Harry."

"You can't tell me his name, or you can't tell me his identity?"

Odin smiled. "If you already know the answers to my questions, Harry, then why do you bother with the asking of them?"

"I like the idea that I'm right," Harry answered. "So does this man have an obsession with sweets, a long white beard, and a homicidal goddess named Ate after him? If you can't answer yes directly you can just wink at me."

Odin scowled at his charge good-naturedly. "You know very well that I haven't been able to wink since before you were even dreamed of, but yes, you insolent whelp, you are correct."

"If I may," Lucius asked, " what possible motive could Albus Dumbledore have had for leaving Harry in the care of his...muggle relations?"

"There were several," Odin answered vaguely. "None of them are justifiable, and none of them can be told to you directly or indirectly by me at this time." He turned to Harry and pinned his one-eyed gaze on the boy. "I will speak with Ate about her impulse control around the man, but you must understand that her motives are entirely honorable. Were it up to us, the man would be in the deepest parts of Hades with Voldemort suffering the worst punishments imaginable."

Harry blinked.

I'd like to thank everyone for all of the reviews I have received, and if it seems like there's a delay of a few chapters before I implement your suggestions...there is. It's mostly because I won't publish a chapter until I have the next chapter already written. That way I know where I'm going, and everyone is assured that I won't abruptly stop writing for no apparent reason. (This is of course barring finals week at the University, during which I plan to be half insane with studying, and anything I write will probably come out as inaccurate Spanish...sorry.)

Night-Owl123: Thank you. I'm writing as fast as I can with a cat attacking my keyboard (moves Snow's paw away from the mouse for the umpteenth time). –Gives out brownie-

Lady FoxFire: Actually, I forgot about Celtic mythology. I'm just more familiar with the Norse mythology, mainly because I'm a fan of Mickey Zucker Reichert's books. Thanks to your post, I've now incorporated some of Celtic myth into a major plot point. (Oooohhh...foreshadowing...) -Gives out brownie-

blubb-blubb: Thanks for the links. These should come in handy, and don't worry about the cliché Draco-Ron bit. Ron's just not that prominent of a character. He's comedic relief rather than school yard rival. –Gives out brownie-


	4. Chapter Four: Hogwarts: A Parody

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Harry Potter or anything else that might belong to anyone else which I might accidentally mention. Fortunately, I do happen to own a box of chocolate. Mmmmm...chocolate.....Where was I? Oh yes...

Chapter Four

The adoption went through flawlessly, as Rumples had predicted. (Rumples was a _psychic_ rubber mouse-at least when Cassandra possessed him-but he had something of a credibility problem.) The days following were the best of Harry's life. Remus and Sirius bought him a Nimbus 2000 to make up for 10 years of missed birthday presents, and Draco, Sirius, and Remus taught him the ins and outs of Quidditch. Harry was a natural flyer, much to his godfathers' delight.

He had also read all of his school books and discovered that the Malfoys owned the single largest library Harry had ever laid eyes upon-which all things considered said very little when his only basis of comparison was the Surrey public school system. Sirius was properly horrified at Harry's more studious tendencies. ("He's Lily's son, too, Siri," Remus reminded him gently. "Look, Harry!" Sirius exclaimed. "Snape's hair is hot pink!!...Uh-oh....") Fortunately, Draco didn't mind Harry's occasional bookish tendencies. He seemed to have even more of his own, as long as he wasn't flying-or playing chess.

"Harreeee," Draco whined on the night before they were supposed to go back to Hogwarts, "come play chess with me!"

Harry looked up from Charms and Spells: a Beginners Guide to Magical Mayhem, and grinned at the blond. "We both know you're just going to win again."

"That's the point. Now get over here and start losing like a good friend!"

Halfway through the game, Rumples-this time possessed by Ares-started whispering suggestions to Harry from his perch on the boy's shoulder. Of course, Draco had several objections to this, all of which Severus invalidated with a single argument: "Where exactly does it say that divine intervention is against the rules of play?"

"Thank you, professor."

"You're welcome, Mr. Potter." This time, Harry was sure the man was wearing a small smile.

When it was obvious that Draco would win within two moves, Rumples/Ares led the remaining pieces in a valiant charge across the rest of the board, wiping out Draco's forces. It was Harry's sad duty to inform the possessed squeak toy-in the middle of what looked to be a victory break-dancing session-that strategic military offensives _were_ against the rules.

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Harry and his new-and monogrammed!-trunk were blissfully enclosed with Draco in a compartment of the Hogwarts Express by themselves. "That was a nightmare," he commented bleakly. "I hope the rest of the school year isn't going to be like that." He had been recognized and stared at as soon as they had reached the platform, and he quickly discovered that he hated the attention.

Draco gave him a sympathetic look. "I'm sure all of the pointing and whispering will blow over in a few days. A few weeks at the outside. People have the attention span of hyperactive nifflers."

"Nifflers?"

"Cute furry things that dig for buried treasure. They actually aren't as useful as they sound though, "Draco added. "They also dig up nails out of houses, and anything else shiny that they happen to come across. They've brought down entire buildings before."

"You're just a little ray of bitter sunshine today, aren't you?"

The compartment door opened to reveal a bushy brown haired girl that instantly reminded Harry of the Morrigan for some strange reason. She really looked only slightly similar to them, but Harry liked her all the same. "Would you mind if I sit down? Everywhere else is full."

"Sure. Have a seat. I'm Harry Potter, and this is Draco Malfoy," Harry's manners had improved drastically in his time with the Malfoys.

"I'm Hermione Granger. It's a pleasure to meet you both." The rest of the train ride was exceptionally pleasant after that.

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The sorting hat was being a...well, Harry was sure that since it could apparently read minds, it knew _exactly_ what it was being, and it wasn't repeatable in front of respectable people. Hermione and Draco had already been sorted into Slytherin, and all it would tell Harry was _Hmmm...difficult..._ and _Where to put you?_ It had been saying that for the last ten minutes. Frankly, Harry was at his wit's end. _JUST PUT ME IN SLYTHERIN, DAMNIT, OR MAKE UP YOUR MIND!!!! _He thought at it. _I DON'T CARE ANY MORE!!! _The hat seemed a little startled.

"Slytherin!" It shouted. Harry gratefully handed the &$!! hat back to Professor McGonagall (who looked like the world had just ended), and headed over to the Slytherin table to join his friends. From the head table, he could see Professor Dumbledore looking at him with a calculating expression. Snape was smirking triumphantly at Sirius, who was glaring at Snape, and Remus was sitting in between the two and smiling encouragingly at Harry while trying to get them to stop acting like children.

Draco looked amused. "What took so long?" At Harry's death glare, he quickly shut up. Hermione just gave him a commiserating grin. Her own sorting had taken the second longest time thus far, totaling five minutes.

She leaned over the table and whispered conspiratorially. "I ended up shouting at the hat before it placed me." Harry grinned sheepishly, ignoring the blush rising over his cheeks. Meanwhile, the final two students, a Ronald Weasley ("Gryffindor!") and a Blaise Zabini ("Slytherin!") had just been sorted.

Professor Dumbledore stood up at the center of the head table after Professor McGonagall removed the Sorting Hat. "I have a few start of term notices to give out before the feast begins. The Forbidden Forest is strictly off limits to all students, and our caretaker, Mr. Filch has asked me to inform you that the list of forbidden items has been extended to include Purple Punishers, Chicken Chasers, and Ever-Shrieking Shampoo. Also, the third floor corridor on the right hand side is out of bounds to anyone who does not wish to die a most painful death. Now, I only have four things to say to you: oddment, nitwit, blubber, tweak! Let the feast begin!"

"That man is seriously starkers," Draco said thoughtfully. Harry and Hermione could only nod in agreement as they began filling their plates.

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Classes at Hogwarts were fascinating. Slytherins had double Potions first thing Monday morning with the Gryffindors, and Harry discovered very quickly that Professor Snape loved nothing more than tormenting the Gryffindors.

"Weasley," the professor's voice had a silky whisper that boded ill for the unfortunate red-head, "what would I get if I added root of asphodel to an infusion of wormwood?"

"I don't know sir," he said shakily. Snape sneered, and Draco raised his hand.

"You would get the Draught of Living Death, sir," the blond answered.

"Five points to Slytherin, Mr. Malfoy." The professor turned back to the Gryffindors. "Finnegan. Where would you look if I asked you to find me a bezoar?"

"I don't know sir," he whispered. Hermione raised her hand.

"In the belly of a goat sir. They are said to cure most major poisons."

"Excellent, Ms. Granger. Another five points to Slytherin." The professor turned back to choose his final target. "Longbottom. What is the difference between monkshood and wolfsbane?"

Neville looked petrified. "N..Nothing..sir. They're the same plant...It's also known as aconite...sir." And then he fainted. Only Harry saw the brief flash of amusement in Snape's eyes before ordered the "idiot Gryffindors" to take their fallen comrade to the infirmary, and he made clear to them that the only reason he wasn't deducting points for their ignorance was because at least one of their house mates had gotten a question correct. Never mind that it was a disgustingly easy one.

Charms with Sirius turned out to be even more entertaining. When they entered the class, there was a balloon filled with water in front of each of the student's desks, which were lined up across from each other. "One of a wizard's most rudimentary skills is levitation," Sirius began once the class was seated. "Since the best incentive to learning is self-preservation," he grinned devilishly-Harry could swear he heard half the class swooning-, "you'll be attempting to levitate your water balloon onto the person across from you before they can do the same. The incantation is _Winguardium Leviosa_, and if you break your balloon, another one will reappear. Now begin!"

Hermione had hers flying towards Pansy Parkinson on the first try. Draco and Harry soaked Crabbe and Goyle on the second. By the end of the class, the entire side opposite of them was soaked, and Sirius was hiding his face behind a stack of papers to hide his laughter. It had become apparent after the third water balloon that despite being only eleven, Pansy wore a large amount of make-up, and now she resembled a freakish melted pug-faced monster. There was no doubt. Hermione had made her first enemy.

Herbology was also with the Gryffindors, and it was obvious once the three Slytherins saw Neville in there why he had known the answer to Professor Snape's question. The boy was a natural when it came to plants; he was just scared stiff when it came to Snape. Harry took the opportunity to strike up a conversation with him while Professor Sprout had them working in groups of four on Ixil weed.

"So how are you holding up, Neville?" he asked.

Neville looked surprised. "Oh, I'm alright, but I think Professor Snape has it in for us Gryffindors."

Harry smiled. "He is a little biased," Harry admitted, "but you managed to get on his good side with that answer Monday. You notice he didn't take off any points. Just try not to let him frighten you too much. He glares, and he snarks, but he's alright really as long as you pay attention to your potion."

"But what if I'm not any good in potions?" Neville looked genuinely terrified.

"I don't see how you couldn't be," Hermione answered. "You're a natural with plants, and Herbology and Potions are the two most closely interrelated disciplines there are." Hermione fell silent for a while. "I have an idea, though," she added as they were putting their things away. "Why don't you work as my potions partner? Professor Snape never bothers the Slytherins, so that way I'm sure he'd leave you alone as well."

Neville smiled gratefully. "Thanks, Hermione. I'd like that."

In Transfiguration on Thursday, they found out that Neville was receiving some complaints from the other Gryffindors for consorting with Slytherins. This was pretty much par for the course, as Parkinson had attempted to start a similar round of complaints against the three Slytherins for consorting with a Gryffindor. Hermione had stopped her with a well placed bat bogey hex, and Draco had calmly reminded her that it was a Malfoy's right to consort with whomever he chose to.

Neville sat next to Hermione behind Harry and Draco. "Hey," he said quietly. He seemed like he'd had a rough time of it.

Hermione gave him a sympathetic look. "Are you all right, Neville?"

It was Ron Weasley who answered the question. "I thought we went over this Neville," the red head began. "Slytherins are evil. They can't be trusted. They think that everyone who doesn't have pureblood parents is beneath them. Now get over here where you belong."

"Actually, both my parents are dentists," Hermione corrected gently.

"And my mother's sister is the worst sort of muggle you could ever meet, but I never held that against my mum or her parents," Harry added. "And we aren't evil...well, Pansy might be, but you can't judge the lot of us just on her."

"I notice you didn't say I was wrong about the trust!" Ron pointed out.

"Trust is something that has to be earned," Hermione answered. "No group of people is automatically trustworthy just because they're called something. I didn't even trust the professors until I saw enough of them to realize that they were competent."

"I like them, Ron," Neville added quietly, "and I think if you gave them half a chance you would too. They're really nice people." (Draco looked like he was discreetly choking down a gag reflex for all that he genuinely liked Neville as well. In Harry's pocket, Rumples the Rubber Mouse-currently possesed by Ate-was attempting to dig out her mousey ears with an eraser stub.)

It was mutually decided among the Gryffindors and the Slytherins that an inter-house truce was in order, as long as Neville Longbottom swore to _never_ say anything as inherently sappy and sentimental as that again.

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Thus endeth Chapter Four. Remember reviews are welcome, as are all chocolate products and bunny fur mice. Also, there seems to be a little confusion about the Malfoy's connection to Voldemort and whether Voldemort is alive or not. As in Book 1, Voldie is under Quirrel's turban. As for the Malfoys, they were...dun Dun DUN...Switzerland! Entirely neutral during the first war. They could do this because they owned most of the wizarding banks. Would you want to try to force the hand of someone who held the majority of your money? Draco's friendship with Harry is going to be bringing them into the second war, though. Poor Voldie. Lucius can be nasty when he's mad...

- Cassandra was a woman in Greek mythology who was cursed by Apollo to see the future but to never be believed. The Morrigan are Irish Celtic goddesses of destruction and creation, specifically they were called the Choosers of the Slain and the Raven of Battle. They were also believed to be an aspect of Morgan Le Fay. For more information, go to this website: http: www. pantheon. org/ articles/ m/ morrigan. html (remember to take out the spaces).

Frog1: Actually, I'm still debating over Harry. I think I have him figured, and then I get another idea that works out well. Whatever I do with him permanently won't happen until year 6 or year 7 anyway, so I still have some time to figure that out. As to mushiness, I try to avoid that in a comedy. (Note Neville's comment and the Gryffindor-Slytherin truce that was made almost entirely for the sake of keeping him from saying _anything _like that again.) If I ever do get mushy at some point, expect major hilarity to follow. It's just the way my mind works sometimes... -gives out strawberry sugar wafer-

Night-Owl123: As always, thank you for reviewing! -gives out strawberry sugar wafer-

lmill123: Actually, this is AU, so Sirius's history is a bit different than in JK's books. It's a minor change that will be explained more in depth in the third year, but basically there was never a secret keeper, so Sirius was never suspected of betraying Lily and James. As to Odin and Ate, Dumbly and Voldie aren't the only ones who need to watch out... (ooohhh...more foreshadowing....) -gives out strawberry sugar wafer-

Andais: Thank you for reviewing. If you're joking, you're welcome! :) If you're not, my apologies. –gives out strawberry sugar wafer-

Lady FoxFire: Right now Voldie's getting asphyxiated beneath a layer of Head n' Shoulders dandruff shampoo. Later on, the roasting will commence... -gives out strawberry sugar wafer-


	5. Chapter Five: Disturban Times

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Harry Potter or anything else that might belong to anyone else which I might accidentally mention. I also don't own an alligator, but since I don't particularly want one, it isn't really an issue.

Chapter Five: Disturban Times

Professor Quirrel was a strange man. His frightened stutter made him the subject of immediate ridicule by the student body, but that wasn't what set Harry's nerves on edge around him. It seemed that whenever Quirrel turned around, Harry's scar twinged unpleasantly, and his guardians would stir uncomfortably at the back of his mind. The odd thing was that Quirrel was the Defense against the Dark Arts professor. Technically, Harry should have felt the safest around him.

That night, Harry made his way to Remus' office and told him everything that had happened. The werewolf looked thoughtful. "There really isn't anything I can do without proof, Harry," he said finally. "But I think I know of something that you can do. Your guardians can possess your squeak toy at any time, can't they?"

Harry smiled suddenly, seeing where he was going with this. "I take it you want me to start carrying Rumples around with me all the time in case something decides to attack."

"I think it would be wise. Your guardians can use their powers through it?" Harry nodded. "Then that should work perfectly, with no one the wiser."

"Thanks Remus."

"Anytime, Harry. You can come to me for anything. Even mouse troubles." They talked a while longer about inconsequential things before Harry returned to the Slytherin dorms.

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Harry's first flying lesson was an exercise in follies. He felt like he was in an evil episode of the Three Stooges. The only thing that went right was the part where his broom came obediently to his hand when he commanded it to.

The problems began when Madame Hooch told them to mount their brooms. It turned out that Parkinson had cast a sticking charm on Neville's broom. It got worse when Neville's repressed fear of heights kicked in. He had crashed into three parapets, a tower, and had almost flown into the Forbidden Forest before Harry, Draco, and Ron had caught him.

Then they had to simultaneously calm down Neville _and_ Hermione. Neville was shaking with fear; Hermione was quaking with rage. (Pansy was currently in the Hospital Wing recovering from several hexes, which Madame Hooch had conveniently had her back turned to during the casting of.)

As if that wasn't enough, while Neville was being taken to the Hospital Wing to tend to any broken bones he might have acquired, Blaise Zabini used an altered form of the levitation charm to send Hermione flying in a fifty foot tall arc through the air.

Harry caught her a foot off the ground.

In the distance, he could hear Draco cursing Blaise with fourth year hexes and a little help from the Gryffindors. Hermione was still shaking like a leaf, a chalk white leaf in a high wind. Harry smoothed her hair away from her face. "Are you alright?" She nodded mutely, and he placed her gently on the ground. He was pretty sure he was as pale as she was. If he hadn't caught her...He had the sudden urge to hex Blaise into a tiny pile of ashes ("I'll do it," Ate/Rumples volunteered from his pocket. "We'll work out something later," Harry muttered, seeing Madame Hooch approaching.).

Madame Hooch reached them after they had managed a shaky two steps. She looked close to frantic. "Are you alright, Miss Granger?"

"I'm just a little shaken, ma'am."

"Twenty points to Slytherin, Mister Potter. That was a remarkable catch."

"I agree," came Professor Snape's voice. "Come with me, Mister Potter, Miss Granger. You as well, Mister Malfoy."

Professor Snape's office was mildly disappointing if you were a Gryffindor. There were no chains or manacles, no cobwebs, and no dried splotches of blood on the carpets. Instead, it was tastefully decorated in dark mahogany and forest greens. "There are precisely two reasons I called you here, but first, would you like a calming potion Miss Granger?" She nodded mutely, still pale, and he brought her a dark blue potion.

"Thank you," she said quietly, color finally returning to her face.

Snape nodded lightly. "In the space of four days, you three have managed to make precisely two enemies and unite two houses that have been divided against each other for over eight hundred years. Ms. Granger has just come within twelve inches of being seriously injured! Now, I want to be absolutely clear. I do not blame any of you for these attacks, but I must advise that you practice more caution in the future! I think we have already seen the levels to which Mister Zabini and Miss Parkinson will lower themselves. Though by the time I get through with them, I think they will seriously reconsider any such rash actions in the future." The last sentence was in a tone of such whispered menace that the trio doubted they were meant to hear it. "Now, on to the next order of business." He stepped out of his office for a moment and returned with a rough looking fifth year boy. "Mister Malfoy, Mister Potter, Miss Granger, this is Marcus Flint, the Slytherin Quidditch Captain. Marcus, I've found you a chaser and a seeker."

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That night while Harry was sleeping, his guardians were busy enacting a plan for vengeance. The first part consisted of possessing five objects around the room. Ate took Rumples. Sarumawashi-a Japanese monkey trainer-took Harry's wand. Ares took Draco's. Hanuman-the Hindu god of monkeys-possessed a shoe, and Odin possessed a dragon figurine on Draco's night-stand.

Quietly, carefully, the five guardians made their way first to the bed of Blaise Zabini. The curtains parted around the sleeping boy, and the Hanuman/shoe pulsed once, twice...a chimpanzee wearing a purple jumper and a red and gold propeller hat lay curled asleep on the bed. A poke from Draco's wand levitated him, and Blaise the Chimp followed the five Gods to the girls' dormitories.

But they were also being followed by Draco.

At the girls' dormitories, they turned Pansy Parkinson into a Howler monkey. It just seemed more appropriate. At Ate's discretion, they also dressed her in a garish hot pink tutu and a lacy orange bonnet. Ares insisted on purple clogs. Odin questioned his masculinity. Ares sulked.

Hermione followed Draco.

A stage was set up at the teacher's table in the Great Hall, and the five Gods set a complicated spell on the chimp and the monkey as they put them through their paces. At two a.m. they returned the possessed items to the dormitories. The production would begin at breakfast.

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Harry was unusually tired the next morning. It seemed to take forever for him to open his eyes, and the only thing he could compare the feeling to was when he had summoned a swarm of grasshoppers because he didn't want to mow the lawn. When he did open his eyes, the first thing he saw was Draco standing over him.

"You're never going to believe what your guardians got up to last night."

That woke him up.

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It was _Romeo and Juliet_. With volcanoes. And a balcony covered in poisoned ivy. And Juliet's relatives laid her body out on a hill of fire ants.

It was a critically acclaimed success.

The minor character were played by paper dolls on Popsicle sticks, and as the play progressed the spell holding Blaise and Pansy into their respective animal forms slowly faded. By the time the curtain-a layer of tar and canary feathers-fell, they were entirely themselves. The poisoned ivy and fire ants were entirely real.

Once the show was over, the two divas made a break for the Hospital Wing.

Meanwhile, Draco had already explained Harry's ability to Hermione the night before. Now all the three had to do was convince the professors that Harry hadn't intentionally set his guardians loose on the two students. It made for an interesting conversation in Dumbledore's office:

**SNAPE:** So there were two wands, a rubber mouse, a fuzzy bear slipper, a dragon figurine, a chimpanzee, and a howler monkey?

**HERMIONE:** Yes, Professor, and they were running through the motions of the play at approximately one a.m. last night.

**SIRIUS:** And Harry was asleep during all of this?

**DRACO:** Yes. Frankly, I'm fairly certain that he could have slept through a stampede of hippogriffs.

**REMUS:** That sounds like something Lily would have done... How tired were you this morning? (said to Harry)

**HARRY:** I only came to breakfast because Draco promised there would be monkeys with clogs on.

**SNAPE:** I think Remus was hoping for something more quantifiable, Harry.

**HARRY:**...................

**SNAPE:** Something which would provide a more accurate estimate as to your state of health.

**HARRY:**...................

**DRACO: **Allow me to translate, professor. (to Harry) If you were a grapefruit, am I wearing a raincoat?

**HARRY: **Oh. I'm really, really sleepy...I liked watching the monkeys...

**DUMBLEDORE:** Well, I think it would be best if we let Harry get some rest then. I don't think any punishment will be necessary. After all, what the gods decide to do is really out of mortal hands, but I would appreciate it if you would talk to them about restraining themselves Harry. –Harry nodded tiredly.- Now, Lemon drops anyone?

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Remember everybody, reviews are good for you, and they serve a very useful function, too! In this case, I need suggestions for what Neville sees in the Mirror of Erised! This is a comedy, so make 'em funny! Also keep in mind that I have a somewhat warped sense of humor at times, so don't be afraid to roast Snape alive on a pit of cocktail weenies...well technically you can't do that _now_, but you get the idea. And if anyone wants to add in a suggestion for something for Rumples to see, send that in too. Just make sure that you say who possesses it-if anyone. I'd imagine the desires of an unpossessed squeak toy would be interesting to say the least...

Night-Owl123: Thanks for reviewing! I'm just a sugar junkie, myself. -gives out vanilla sugar wafer-

...And if anyone would like to complain about the _really bad_ pun in the chapter title, speak now or forever hold your peace.


	6. Chapter Six: Itchy the Snitch

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Harry Potter or anything else that might belong to anyone else which I might accidentally mention. This means that I don't own other stuff like beans or cornflakes. It also means that I'm not responsible for the content of this advertisement...um...just disregard that last part.

Chapter Six: Itchy the Snitch

Sirius was impossibly hyper following Harry's placement as Seeker and Draco's as Chaser. He even acted courteously towards Severus during that time, which was something unheard of in all of the years that the two men had known each other. ("Remus," Snape remarked one night in hushed tones, "this behavior has to stop! A rude Sirius I can deal with, but this...this...it's unnatural!" Remus was trying his hardest not to laugh. "He's just happy that Harry's on the Quidditch team, Sev. Give him your worst possible insult. Turn his hair into green and silver snakes, and I'm sure everything will be back to normal.")

In other news, a vault at Gringotts had been broken into, and Harry was fairly sure it was the one Hagrid had emptied when he had taken Harry into Diagon Alley for his school supplies. "All that was in there was a grubby little package about so big," Harry made a fist. "Bets on it being inside Hogwarts?"

Hermione smiled. "Bets on it being on the third floor right hand corridor?"

Draco raised an eyebrow. "I'll give you 100:1 odds."

Harry eyed the blonde suspiciously. "We wouldn't happen to be betting that we're wrong by any chance?"

"Damn."

That same night, Shiva started teaching Harry, Draco, and Hermione the fine art of meditation. The Hindu god was possessing Rumples and sitting on a small table in Remus' and Sirius' parlor explaining the reasoning behind the training to the two men and the three children. "Meditation sharpens the control that wizards and witches have over their powers and helps them to develop any unique gifts which they might have. It helps to provide clarity of thought during crisis and reigns in tempers during combat. Remember, anger only gives an edge in battle if it is controlled. (Remus discretely jabbed Sirius in the ribs with his elbow. Sirius not-so-discretely yelped.) Now, close your eyes and focus on your breathing..."

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The first Quidditch match of the season was, of course, Gryffindor versus Slytherin and was set for next Friday. Draco suspected 'the old coot' –translation being Dumbledore-of doing this deliberately in an attempt to break the fragile inter-house truce that had been forged between the first years. Harry was somewhat iffy on the subject. Hermione was muttering about boys and conspiracy theories and stupid games.

The whole point became moot once Harry and Draco met the Weasley twins. They were, in a word, _awesome_. As soon as Harry came within five feet of them, he immediately felt a fierce battle of wills begin for possession of Rumples between Ate and Loki, both apparently recognizing two kindred spirits in their vicinity. Harry finally had to exert his will and make them take five minute turns before he could pay proper attention to the conversation. By then, both the twins and Ron had noticed the marks on his hands and arms, and the two older Weasleys knew exactly what it meant.

Draco glanced over at Harry for a moment. "Maybe we should go somewhere more private?" Harry nodded, and the twins led them to an abandoned classroom. They set charms on the doors and windows to prevent eavesdroppers, and Harry brought out his rubber mouse.

"Harry, what does Rumples have to do with anything?" Ron, as usual, was clueless.

**BEHOLD LOKI!!! PURVEYOR OF CHAOS!!! MASTER OF MAYHEM!!! SEE ME MORTALS AND mmmphh!!!**

"Draco, do you really think it's a good idea to make him mad?" Harry asked. The blond had Rumples' mouth pinched shut between one elegant thumb and forefinger. "I know he only looks like a squeak-toy, but remember the monkeys?" Loki was squinting in what was presumably an aggressive manner.

Fred-or George-looked impressed. "So you were the one responsible for the play?"

"That was top notch!"

"First-rate."

"Wonderful showmanship."

"He did it in his sleep," Draco bragged as he removed his hand from Rumples mouth. "I mean that literally."

"The mouse was talking..." Ron noted. Harry reached over and patted him on the head. "It was using capital letters and a bold-faced type set..." George-or Fred-cuffed him. "Thank you, grandma."

"I'm a summoner." Harry said simply.

**BEHOLD ATE!!! PURVEYOR OF CHAOS!!! MISTRESS OF MAYmmmph!!!**

"Loki already did that," Draco pointed out.

Ate sulked.

The five boys talked for a while longer about Harry's abilities, the upcoming match, and the inter-house rivalries. It was agreed that the match wouldn't break the bonds between the houses, but neither team would be expected to go easy on the other. However, Ron still couldn't understand Harry's abilities until approximately five days, three hours, forty two minutes and twenty eight seconds later when:

"Harry, are you a summoner?"

"Yes, Ron." (Sound of head hitting large, solid object. Possibly a wall.)

"Did that hurt?"

"Why don't you try it and see?" (Sound of head hitting large, solid object. Possibly a wall.) "Are you always this literal?"

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The Slytherin Quidditch team seemed to be composed almost entirely of giants with the notable exceptions of Harry and Draco. There were two third year, gorilla-shaped Beaters named Derrick and Bole. The Keeper was a gangly looking girl named Bletchley with streaks of purple in her hair. Aside from Draco, the Chasers were Marcus Flint and Adrian Pucey. Harry, of course, was the Seeker.

The Slytherin team had two distinct advantages over the Gryffindor team this year. The most notable was that upon hearing of Draco's placement on the team, Lucius Malfoy had donated an entire line of Nimbus 2000's. There was no way for the Gryffindors to keep up with them. (The elder Malfoy was currently in the stands sitting with Severus and Sirius-Remus was strategically placed between the two men to keep them from each others throats should the Quidditch match get rough.) The second was that Draco and Harry were first years on a house Quidditch team playing their first game. They were likely to be either overestimated by their opponents or underestimated by them, and since both boys were Slytherins, they could use either situation to their advantage.

Marcus Flint was finishing up his pep talk in the dressing room while Harry and Draco waited nervously to play-pep talk here means "If you lose, I'll skin you alive and feed you to Snape with a piece of pomegranate." Outside, they could hear the crowd cheering, possibly for blood. (The boys shared a look that said everything. Basically: _My last will and testament left a mint as the sole heir. Fix it for me, will you?_ --- It looses something in the translation.)

Lee Jordan's magically amplified voice announced the Gryffindor team: "And here's the Gryffindor team led by Captain Oliver Wood! Chasers Angelina Johnson-rather attractive girl, that one. Just telling it like it is, Professor-Katie Bell, and Alicia Spinnet. Beaters Fred and George Weasley, and Seeker Penelope Clearwater." (Draco appeared to be calming himself by commenting on how much the Gryffindor robes clashed with the Weasley twins' hair. Harry was calming himself by wondering what in Tartarus Draco was doing thinking about clothing at a time like this.)

Madame Hooch's desire for a clean game was met with a wry snort by Wood and an evil smirk by Flint. Harry used the opportunity to flash a friendly smile to the Weasley twins and the Gryffindor seeker. Clearwater's surprised expression was priceless, but the twins just gave him a jaunty wave. "Ready to get your face bloodied up, Harry?" Fred-or George-asked.

"If it isn't too much trouble, could you aim for my midsection?" Harry shouted back. "I'd like to live to my next birthday, thanks!" The twins grinned and gave him a thumbs up.

Madame Hooch's whistle sounded, and the game was on.

"And it's Spinnet with the Quaffle! Spinnet to Bell, Bell to Spinnet, and THAT'S CHEATING!!!....well, an obviously SHADY interception by Pucey. Pucey to Flint, Flint to Malfoy...BLOODY HELL!!! Did you see that dodge?? And it's 10-0 Slytherin. Gryffindor, we have a problem..."

Harry was grinning as he circled the Quidditch pitch. Below him, Draco was giving the little lions the battle of a lifetime, and the blond looked absolutely in his element. Harry noticed that the Weasley twins were trying desperately to take him out of action, but they couldn't seem to make it past Derrick and Bole. He also noted that Penelope Clearwater was tailing him.

He spotted the snitch when the score was 160-30 Slytherin. Then his broom went haywire. It started bucking wildly in mid-air, completely out of control. When he was dangling by his hands and his grip started slipping, he knew he was in trouble...

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Remus, Severus, Sirius, and Lucius were staring open-mouthed as Harry's broom started to jerk like a bull with life-threatening hiccups. Then Lucius began chanting a counter-curse. The others joined him, their combined power making Harry's broom steady enough for him to cling to, but somehow failing to break the curse entirely...

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Draco circled near Harry for a moment. "It's Quirrel, isn't it?" he shouted. Harry nodded, and reached into his robes for something. Draco caught it easily.

Rumples. This was going to be good.

The blond was off in a flash; he flew just close enough to the teachers' box to discretely toss the squeak toy in. He noticed that four pairs of eyes followed him for the briefest of moments but didn't blink, nor did the four men stop chanting. But they all broke out into almost identical vindictive grins–well, on Severus and Lucius it was more evil smirks.

The next thing heard from the teachers' box was, "Somebody help him! He's drowning!!"

Professor Quirrel was encased in Houdini's underwater escape act, complete with hood, straight-jacket, and chains.

Remus eyed the squeak toy sitting in his hand with amusement. "Is there an impenetrable charm on the cage?" From his palm, the mouse seemed to wink.

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Harry managed to swing himself back up onto his broom with only a modicum of difficulty. His main worry was that Clearwater was at the other end of the field chasing the snitch. He shot after her, straight through a crowd of Chasers and Beaters and into a circle of the Ravenclaw stands. He caught up to her weaving between the Slytherin goal posts, and the snitch shot first upward then straight down.

Clearwater crashed. Harry used his feet as a lever and leveled out his broom as the last second, balancing on the handle like a surfboard, but as he reached for the snitch, the broom overbalanced and sent him sprawling forward onto the grass.

_Oh Merlin_, he thought distantly as he felt something choking him in the back of his mouth, _Draco is never going to let me live this down._ Sure enough, two coughs later the snitch appeared in his palms. From the stands, Lee Jordan could be heard: "POTTER HAS THE SNITCH!!! IT'S SLYTHERIN 380:90, AND POTTER HAS THE SNITCH! PROFESSOR IS THAT REALLY LEGAL?!" It was.

The next thing Harry knew, Draco was beside him, and the blond was very obviously fighting back a slew of comments about Harry's catch. In fact, he was actually biting his lip. "Go on, Draco," Harry said kindly. "I know you want to."

Fortunately, the next five minutes of dialogue was too fast to be coherent.

Draco was eventually distracted by the Gryffindors. The entire house, including Professor McGonagall, was now dressed in muggle cheerleading costumes in Slytherin colors. Draco became rapidly coherent. "Who has possession of Rumples?"

Harry pointed out Dumbledore-who appeared to be wearing four-inch heels and a large amount of make-up-as if it were self-explanatory. "Ate."

Remus, Sirius, Severus, and Lucius arrived with the errant squeak toy/goddess a few moments later. Harry was amused to note that the mouse was also dressed in a Slytherin cheerleading uniform, complete with pom-poms. "What happened to Quirrel?"  Harry asked up-front.

The pom-poms burst into ashes. "Dumbledork got him out of the cage before he drowned...no worries though. They still haven't figured out how to remove the straight jacket, and I put a permanent itching charm on his turban _and _his underwear!" Harry was disturbed to note that the pom-poms had reappeared in black.

"Are you alright, Harry?" Remus asked.

Harry grinned. "I just won my first Quidditch match by catching the snitch in my mouth. The Headmaster and the entire opposing team are dressed in cheerleading costumes, and there's a possessed squeak toy telling me it put a permanent itching charm on the underwear of someone who just tried to kill me! I can honestly say I've never felt better! Of course, that's entirely thanks to Draco and Ate."

Draco was blushing. "_Now_ he gives me credit!" As an attempt at sounding annoyed, it failed miserably. "You're welcome."

Ate grinned. "I suppose now would be a good time to add that I also put a permanent itching charm in Dumbledork's underwear."

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First off, WOW!!! The review response for this chapter was amazing!!! I feel so loved! -Sniffle- Secondly, I've noticed that none of the reviews contained any suggestions for what Neville or Rumples might see in the Mirror of Erised. Ya'll trying to tell me something? No matter, I'll just revert to Plan B: three cans of Mountain Dew at three a.m. and a consultation with my cat. (Where did you think the Howler monkey with clogs came from?) Even without that, I still love knowing what you think, so keep those reviews coming! They're my funny-meter. :)

skittish: Thanks! Yep, they're still friends despite red's thick-headed tendencies (Hey! I think I just got a new nickname for the story!) As to the Harry/Ginny ship, beats me. Harry's not going to have any serious relationships until year six or seven anyway, but I suppose it mostly depends on how Ginny decides to voice herself in my head. (If that sounds weird, I apologize.) -Gives out hot fudge sundae-

Anon: I assume you're anonymous, but I'll answer anyway. It would be lovely if you could actually pick up potions for stuff, wouldn't it? I'd like a Polyjuice Potion, personally. Then I could make someone else take my tests. –Gives out hot fudge sundae-

Krcool: Thank you! Just remember, if there are any other deities you'd like to see, just drop me a line in a review, and I'll see if I can't pop them into the script somewhere. I'm always happy to oblige! -Gives out hot fudge sundae-

athenakitty: I love reading your reviews! They remind me of a soap opera! You've also managed to point out a few things that I'm going to have Sirius and Remus take care of over the summer holidays...hint...hint... -Gives out hot fudge sundae-

Lady FoxFire: Actually, strawberry sugar wafers are very yummy. Some even go so far as to say that they are the height of yumminess. These people have never tried chocolate. However, I give them an 8.5, even having tried and mainly subsisted upon chocolate for the majority of my life. As to the weirdness, um...thanks? :) -gives out hot fudge sundae-

Night-Owl123: Thanks for reviewing! -gives out hot fudge sundae-


	7. Chapter Seven: Baldness and Oil

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Harry Potter or anything else that might belong to anyone else which I might accidentally mention. This includes ducks. I happen to like ducks. I also like rubber chickens, but so does Snow. She really likes them if they're covered in bunny fur or feathers...poor ducks...

Chapter Seven: Baldness and Oil

The Gryffindor cheerleading squad provoked a prank war between the Weasley twins and Rumples. It started at breakfast the morning after the Quidditch match. Fred and George slipped Felix Powder into all of the drinks at the Slytherin table, giving the Slytherins cat ears and tails for the next hour.

The general consensus was that _that_ part looked adorable.

Then they laced all the food with catnip.

In the next 60 minutes, the school saw a side of the Slytherins that it never expected to. Marcus Flint and Gregory Goyle were outside chasing their own tails; Pansy Parkinson had been treed by a grim (-snicker-), and Severus-who hadn't been left out of the fun-was chasing it. Remus was taking pictures.

Meanwhile Harry, Draco, and Hermione were chasing each other up and down different sets of stairs and hallways, often bouncing off of highly indignant portraits in the process. Ron and Neville were desperately trying to keep up with their three friends, who were currently headed straight down the third floor right-hand corridor.

"'Mione!" Ron wheezed. "I really don't think you want to go that way!"

"Harry! Draco! Stop!" Neville looked close to passing out. "Bad kitties!! No donuts!!"

The three cats hit the large wooden door at the end of the corridor in a tangle of fur that looked strangely uncoordinated. When they managed to unravel themselves from each other, the reason became obvious:

"The spell would have to wear off in mid-air, wouldn't it?" Draco grumbled as he tried to smooth back his hair. Harry was rubbing a spot on his cheek where someone's elbow had hit him. Hermione appeared to be nursing her ribs.

"I think I may have broken something..." she said.

From behind Neville, someone meowed.

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Outside, Severus Snape, the most feared Potions Master in Hogwarts history, stood up in the too-bright sunshine and calmly dusted off his robes. In front of him, a grim was grinning and wagging its tail, head cocked to one side. Behind him, Remus was waiting to see what he would do-and discreetly hiding the camera.

The Potions Master gave the grim a slow, toothy smile.

Sirius Black ran for his life.

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It was Mrs. Norris.

Harry reacted quickly. "_Nopilosus Totalus!_" Mrs. Norris was bald.

Hermione blinked. "Did you happen to mean _Petrificus Totalus_?" she asked as the now hairless cat ran off to alert Mr. Filch.

"Cats are ugly without hair," Ron observed. Neville whacked him on the back of the head. Meanwhile, they could hear an enraged voice echoing up the corridor.

"MY CAT!!! SOMEONE'S HURT MY CAT!!! THERE'S GONNA BE SOME PUNISHMENT!!!"

Harry began tugging frantically on the door. "It's locked!"

Draco pushed him out of the way. "_Alohamora!_" The door sprang open, and the five panicked miscreants rushed inside, slamming it closed behind them.

There was a Cerberus inside. In the back of his mind, Harry could hear Persephone gleefully call out _Puppy!!_

Fortunately, it was asleep. Unfortunately, it was snoring, and it had three very bad cases of dog breath. It was also drooling on a large trap door that was covered by one of its paws.

The five waited in tense silence as Filch inspected the corridor outside and seemingly left, still screaming about bald cats and chains and punishment. Their wands were pointed shakily at the snoring dog-though what good a hair removal spell would do was anyone's guess. When everything at last seemed silent, they eased the door back open into the corridor...

Silence here means that the snores had also stopped.

And Fluffy was _not_ happy.

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Sirius Black had a stitch in his side, both literally and figuratively. He was currently recuperating in the Hospital Wing from injuries sustained before Moony and McGonagall had managed to stun Severus enough to force feed him one of his own extra strength calming draughts. Padfoot's list of injuries ran something like this:

1 cut above his left eyebrow,

1 cracked rib,

2 sprained ankles,

327 large purple blisters-thankfully numb,

17 bruises,

and 1 temporary sex change.

If Fred and George Weasley weren't students, they'd be dead men. As it was, however, a little Marauder-style payback surely wouldn't go amiss...

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"_Nopilosus Totalus!"_

"Harry, for Merlin's sake! _Petrificus Totalus!"_

"_Winguardium Leviosa!" _

_"Protego!"_

"Where did you learn that?!"

"I'm a Malfoy."

The bald floating dog with a frozen paw was now safely enclosed on the other side of the door, tucked away behind a shield. Hermione was standing in the hallway tapping her foot and glaring at Harry in a manner very reminiscent of McGonagall. "You realize, of course, that anyone who has seen Mrs. Norris and then goes to check up on that _thing_ will connect the two animals' conditions." Draco buried his face in his hands for a bout of un-Malfoyish laughter. He was joined by Neville and Ron.

"That's...not even a...real...spell, is it?" the blonde managed to choke out.

"No, it's not," Hermione answered as they made their way to the Hospital Wing. Harry was a very interesting shade of red. "In fact, it could have done anything. Set the school on fire, blown up the Great Hall, turned Neville inside out...anything. You need to be more careful about what you're saying, Harry!"

Remus caught up to them as they were walking past the Great Hall. "Oh! Harry!" The werewolf looked relieved. "We've had a bit of a problem..."

"Uncle Sev went berserk, huh?" Draco guessed. Remus nodded slowly. "How high is the body count?"

"He and Sirius are both in the Hospital Wing, but Poppy says that there won't be any lasting damage, and we can get Padfoot back to his normal self by Tuesday."

Harry was confused. "What do you mean by normal self?"

"Well..." Remus turned an amazing shade of red. "Severus used a trans-gender hex on him." Draco excused himself for a moment and ran outside. Harry blinked. Hermione's lips twitched twice before she ran after Draco.

"What's a trans-gender hex?" Harry asked. Ron and Neville followed Hermione.

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Sirius Black as a man was God's gift to women. As a woman, he made men want to consider becoming monks. Severus-finally allowed to remain conscious enough to appreciate his work-was alternately congratulating himself and wondering why he had felt the need to remind himself of why he had chosen to remain celibate in the first place. Sirius was standing in front of a mirror performing a continuous tirade against both the Weasley twins and the way the hospital gown failed to compliment his figure. Where was a camera when you needed one?

He finally shut up when Remus walked in with Harry, Draco, and Hermione. Severus was pleased to note that the three were fighting back laugher at the sight of Black's feminine side. He did, however, notice a bruise on Harry's cheek.

"Poppy!" The Potions Master's voice was as sharp as ever. "Mr. Potter has been injured somehow. You may wish to check over all three of them, where one goes the others follow. And after this morning's events, there is no telling what sort of mischief they might have unintentionally gotten into at the hands of the Weasleys."

The medi-witch nodded in stern agreement. "I've had more students come in here banged up and scratched through today than I care to think about!" She ran a quick scan over each of them. "Mr. Malfoy's got a few scratches across his back and sides that will have to be looked at. Mr. Potter seems to be a mass of bruises...and Miss Granger has two cracked ribs! What in the world were you three doing?"

"The spell wore off in the middle of a jump, and we didn't land on our feet," Draco said smoothly.

"We didn't land on anything soft either!" Hermione added. Harry was too busy staring at his new Godmother to comment.

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By Halloween everything was back to normal. Loki had enacted a strike against the Gryffindors by turning all their feet into hiccupping rubber chickens-except Professor McGonagall's, at Hermione's insistence. A once again male Sirius Black and a perennially male Remus Lupin gave the school a dinner theatre reenactment of _The Rocky Horror Picture Show_ courtesy of the Weasley twins, and Severus Snape returned to his normally snarky but not-quite-homicidal self. Harry had even found out in a visit to Hagrid that the three-headed dog was named Fluffy, and there was a man named Nicholas Flamel involved. He also found out Hagrid had no idea what the word 'discretion' meant.

Now everyone was sitting in the Great Hall pigging out on candies during the Halloween feast. There were bats flying around the ceiling, and Jack O'Lanterns floating in the air where the candles used to be. The ghosts were conspicuously absent for some reason, but no one really cared.

"TROLL IN THE DUNGEON!!"

"You notice Quirrel doesn't stutter when he's shrieking," Draco observed around a lollipop.

"TROLL IN THE DUNGEON!!"

"It is a rather fascinating phenomenon," Hermione noted, picking up a chocolate truffle.

"Thought you ought to know..." Quirrel collapsed in a heap.

"He's going to try to go down the trapdoor, of course," Harry said as he tucked away a few handfuls of sweets for later. "So do we get help or try to stop him ourselves?"

"He's probably already bald under that turban," Draco pointed out.

"That was just one time!"

"Actually, Harry, it was twice," Hermione said gently. "But the professors are already gone."

"Well, at least we still have Rumples," Draco noted as they snuck away from the Slytherin prefects towards the third floor corridor.

"I'm not completely useless, you know!" Harry whispered vehemently. Hermione patted him gently on the head.

When they got to the second floor, a horrible stench reached their nostrils. It was accompanied by loud thuds, groaning, and wet snuffles. "Apparently, the troll has no sense of direction," Rumples observed from Harry's pocket-the squeak toy was currently possessed by Bast.

The troll spotted them as it turned the corner.

"_Crocinus lubricus!_" Once again, Harry used a spell the other two had never heard of. This time an oil slick appeared at the troll's feet as it was walking forward, and the troll slid toward the three Slytherins at an alarmingly rapid rate. They dived out of the way. "I meant to do that."

"That's what scares me." Draco said gently. "_Ligocum catena!"_ The troll was bound head to toe in chains. "It's good to be me."

Hermione just smiled. "_Winguardium Leviosa!"_ The troll's club dropped on its head with an amusing _Thunk!_

"Was that really necessary?" Draco asked.

"Fully grown male mountain trolls can break through steel walls, solid brick, and cast-iron gates. The chains wouldn't have held it for very long." Strangely, it was Harry pointing that out. "What? I like reading about weird creatures."

Professors Snape and McGonagall rounded the corner with Professor Quirrel trapped between them-in a non-threatening manner, of course. The three stopped dead at the sight of the bound and unconscious mountain troll.

"What? Miss Granger?" Professor McGonagall appeared to be having a nervous breakdown. "Explain yourselves!" The three Slytherins exchanged a glance:

_Quirrel can't know. _(Harry)

_Congratulations, Mr. Obvious. _(Draco)

_Any ideas?_ (Hermione)

_Let me handle it. _(Harry)

_We're doomed. _(Hermione and Draco)

_I want cashews. _(Rumples)

"I overheard some of the Slytherin girls talking about someone crying in the girls' bathroom, so I talked Draco into coming with me to warn her," Harry said. "But the troll came along before we got there."

"And if either one of them had stopped long enough to listen to me, I could have told them that the girls were talking about Moaning Myrtle!" Hermione was the picture of indignance.

"Well how were we supposed to know they were talking about a ghost?" Draco said reasonably. "Who in their right mind wants to haunt a toilet anyway?"

Professor McGonagall turned to Severus with a small smile. "How in the world did these three get sorted into your house, Severus? Running off to rescue another student, taking on a fully grown mountain troll...it's the very height of Gryffindor." She turned back to the three Slytherins, still smiling. "I just hope you realize that not many first year students could have taken on a fully grown mountain troll and lived to tell the tale. Five points will be awarded to each of you for an outstanding display of courage and skill."

"Come with me, you three," Professor Snape said, smirking. "I'll escort you back to your dormitories." Once they were out of earshot of the other two Professors, he added, "I take it you were trying to head off Quirrel, as well?"

"Yes, but the troll intercepted us," Draco answered. "Apparently, it failed to realize that going up staircases implies that it is leaving the dungeons."

"Did you notice that Quirrel lost his stutter when he started screaming like a girl?" Harry asked.

"Yes," Snape answered. "I found that to be one of the highlights of the evening. Incidentally, that was an excellent cover story."

"Thank you."

"Now why was the troll covered in cooking oil?"

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Guess what today is? It's my BIRTHDAY! WHOOO!!!! (I'm a little hyper from all the chocolate cake...can you tell?) Anyway, I just wanted to thank everyone for all the reviews for the last chapter! I also wanted to thank everyone who put me on author alert and especially those who put me on their favorites list-it's good to be loved. :) Keep those reviews coming! (By the way, has anyone else noticed my chapters keep getting longer? I know that's not necessarily a bad thing, but tell me if I ever get too verbose.)

-Cerberus is the three-headed dog guarding the gates of Hell in Greek mythology. Persephone is the Queen of Hell (also in Greek mythology), but she's only technically there six months out of every year. Her return to Hell is responsible for the changing of the seasons. Bast is the Egyptian goddess of pleasure and music. She also offers protection against evil spirits. (I particularly like the thought of Bast possessing a rubber mouse because she is the Egyptian goddess of cats.)

Night-Owl123: I'm always happy to oblige! Thanks! -Gives out piece of chocolate birthday cake-

athenakitty: -grins- You'd be amazed by the amount of blackmail pictures Remus has stored up against the rest of the school. As to the Dursleys, just wait for the Christmas special...

-Gives out piece of chocolate birthday cake-

CuriousKitty: Thanks! I hope this chapter also exceeded your expectations, but if I keep raising the bar, pretty soon I won't be able to top myself! :) -Gives out piece of chocolate birthday cake-

Anon Junky: Thanks for reviewing. As to the Dursleys...Christmas Special. That's all I'm saying. –Gives out piece of chocolate birthday cake-

AnItsyBitsyTeenieWeenie: Thanks! You'd be surprised how often I get told that. Actually, I take that back...you probably wouldn't. :) -Gives out piece of chocolate birthday cake-

Lady FoxFire: Girl, actually, and thank you! Here's a good recipe: three cans of mountain dew at three am, one box of chocolate-covered cherries or sugar wafers, and one hyper white Persian cat. It's a guaranteed recipe for insanity. I find that Three Stooges movies also help. –Gives out piece of chocolate birthday cake-

gaul1: Thank you. Wow, that's a lot of reviews! -Gives out piece of chocolate birthday cake-

NightShadow135: Hope you enjoyed this chapter! I particularly liked the bald cat, but that may just be me... -Gives out piece of chocolate birthday cake-

nogoalielikeme: Basically, I update whenever I can. It's usually within a period of four or five days. Thanks, though, I specialize in weirdness! -Gives out piece of chocolate birthday cake-


	8. Chapter Eight: Flamel Nightgowns

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Harry Potter or anything else that might belong to anyone else which I might accidentally mention. I like to think that I own the cat fur in my keyboard by reason that Snow obviously doesn't want it anymore, but since Snow owns me, and I own the keyboard, she must still own the fur in it...Wow. I just totally confused myself. I need more chocolate. Be warned-this is one of the rarely more serious chapters, meaning it actually has a plot that leads somewhere. (Hee-hee...you'll find that out in the Christmas Special! It's a separate piece I like to call: _A Very Dursley Christmas_.) Enjoy!

Chapter Eight: Flamel Nightgowns

Nicholas Flamel wasn't in the library, not that the three Slytherins expected to _physically_ find him there. It was frustrating not to find him in any of the books they had looked through, though. Hermione, especially, was taking the lack of progress very hard.

"This is so stupid!!" she griped, slamming a large tome down on one of the tables. "He isn't in any of the modern texts, but we know he's not dead because Charon hasn't taken him over! He must be some sort of complete non-entity!! Bugger!"

"'Mione you swore!" Harry was impressed.

Draco was amused. "'Mione has a dark side!" The blond was practically singing.

"Anytime the two of you want to get back to reading, you can."

He also wasn't hiding in any nooks, crannies, or portraits around Hogwarts-although the portraits were still slightly miffed about talking to the three Slytherins after their cat-like sprint through the school grounds.

"There's really only one thing we can do," Draco said reasonably. "Christmas break is approaching, and we're all going home. Harry and I will search the Malfoy and Black libraries over the holidays, and you can ask your parents if they've ever heard about him."

"Draco, my parents are dentists, remember?"

"Muggles have heard of werewolves and vampires though," Harry pointed out. "Why not Nicholas Flamel?"

Hermione and Draco looked at each other. "Sometimes he makes so much sense that it scares me." The blond nodded.

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The three weeks before Christmas Break were fraught with interesting occurrences. Slytherin trounced Ravenclaw 270:30. (Harry caught the snitch in his hand this time, much to Draco's disappointment.) The prank war between Rumples, the Weasley Twins, and the Marauders (although only Rumples was aware of Sirius's and Remus's involvement) continued with hilarious results including a Slytherin Dance-a-thon, a spell that made all the Gryffindors' clothes comment on their fashion sense (courtesy of Ate), the Weasley twins as Oompa-Loompa Elvis impersonators (courtesy of the Marauders), and Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw temporarily bald, oiled, and Slytherin colored (courtesy of Harry and Draco-though only Severus knew who was responsible for that one).

Professor Quirrel seemed to have decided that the three Slytherins were a serious threat to his plans. His stuttering in DADA increased tenfold, making his lessons almost incomprehensible and decreasing the amount of notes the class had to take to less than half a page per three hours. Harry brought this up to Sirius and Remus one night after class:

"I think Quirrel might be planning something evil..." Harry paused at the look on his Godfathers' faces. "Okay, so I _know_ he's planning something evil. What's he after anyway?"

Remus gave him a patient look. "You know we can't tell you that Harry, but it is very well protected. There's nothing to be concerned about."

"Despite Fluffy being bald," Sirius added with a grin. "Not that we think _you_ had anything to do with that, Harry. But if you happen to know the spell that whoever did it used..." Padfoot winked.

Remus smiled at his mate. "You are about as subtle as a heart attack."

"I'd just feel better about the whole thing if you let one of my guardians possess something and put it down there with whatever it is that Quirrel's after," Harry wheedled. "Hades, for instance. I'd just love to see Quirrel try to get past Hades!"

Sirius blinked. "You know something, Moony...that's not a bad idea."

Remus nodded. "I'll call Albus, but you might want to avoid mentioning Quirrel as the reason behind your concern over the protections, Harry."

"Slytherin," Harry reminded them.

The werewolf threw a handful of green powder into the fireplace. "Headmaster Dumbledore's Office!" he shouted, then thrust his head into the flames.

While his head was gone, Harry leaned over to Sirius and whispered, "_Nopilosus Totalus._" Padfoot gave him an evil grin.

Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster of Hogwarts, appeared in the living room attempting to discreetly scratch his posterior. Remus and Harry hid smiles in their hands. Sirius choked. "You wished to see me, my boy?" The old man's blue eyes were twinkling infernally.

Remus managed to control himself. "Harry's had an idea for a way to increase the protections on the third floor corridor. He believes that the current protections could use reinforcement."

"And what would lead you to believe that, Harry?" The old man said with a small condescending smile.

_Now can I kill him? _Ate asked in the back of his mind.

_No! _It was Odin who answered her. _He's mine._

_He's not either of yours at the moment! _Harry interrupted. _I'm still in school, and murder's a capital offense! Do you _want_ me to go to Azkaban?_ Aloud he said, "It's actually very simple, sir. The attempted theft at Gringotts earlier this year, the curse on my broom during the Gryffindor/Slytherin match, and the troll in the dungeons on Halloween all add up to one inevitable conclusion: someone wants whatever is on the third floor badly enough to try and take on one of the most powerful wizards of all time to get to it. I just want to help, sir." Harry added softly.

The old man was an idiot. "What exactly do you want to do?"

"I can use one of my guardians to possess an item, and set them to protect whatever it is the person is after. Hades would be an especially good choice, since he can knock out people for long periods without killing them."

_Not that I would if Turban Boy tried to take me on, _the Hell god added mentally.

Harry hid a smirk.

Dumbledore smiled. "That's an excellent idea, Harry!" The old man pulled a lemon drop out of his pocket and transfigured it into a stuffed dog. "I trust that this will work well for your guardian to possess?"

"That's fine." Harry said simply. He had Ate possess Rumples, and then he placed Hades in the stuffed dog.

Harry kept his expression carefully neutral until Dumbledore had left, then he pulled up his sleeves. His arms were bare. "Ate, you are in Rumples, aren't you?"

"Yes." The mouse looked amused. "Why don't you possess something else?"

Harry put Loki in a quill and was relieved to see his tattoos appear. "Limit three with proof of purchase." Loki left the quill. "Whew! I haven't been this relieved since I realized I wouldn't be living in a cupboard anymore!" Harry heard two cups of tea hit the floor and shatter. "I shouldn't have said that," he said in a manner reminiscent of Hagrid.

Remus' voice was just a shade too calm. "Harry, what do you mean by living in a cupboard?" The werewolf's eyes were turning a fierce gold.

Harry ran a nervous hand through his hair and prepared himself to downplay his past to his Godfathers.

"The Dursleys made him sleep in the cupboard under the stairs until Hagrid came to take him to Hogwarts," Ate said. The goddess had fully manifested herself in the middle of the living room, her pale blue eyes shining gently down at her now glaring charge. "Don't look at me like that Harry. They need to know how those muggles treated you, so they can help you deal with it."

She sat down beside him on the couch and pulled him into her lap, tossing her raven curls over her shoulder as she did so. "I'm still mad at you, Ate," Harry mumbled against her neck.

"THAT'S ATE?!" Sirius and Remus appeared to be having synchronized heart attacks.

"I think they were expecting someone who looked more openly...insane," Harry tactfully whispered to the goddess. Ate was leaning back against the armrest and giggling. Harry's Godparent's had always been two of her favorite mortals-of course, Harry topped the list.

When the two Marauders stopped having seizures, Harry began to fill them in on his somewhat difficult childhood. Ate filled them in on the parts Harry tried to gloss over because he found them too difficult to talk about. By the end of it, the two men looked to be alternating between a need to murder the Dursleys and comfort their charge. Comfort won.

"Would you like some hot cocoa?" Remus asked.

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The next day found Harry, Draco, and Hermione once more in the library searching for the elusive Mr. Flamel. Specifically, Draco and Hermione were searching, and Harry was filling the two in on the added protection around whatever was on the

third floor. It was in this merry occupation that Ron and Neville found them.

"What 'cha doing?" Ron asked around a chocolate frog.

"Trying to find Flamel again," Hermione said shortly. "Now sit down and grab a book."

"Don't have to." If looks could kill, the red-head would have been food for Fluffy. "He's in my chocolate." Ron elaborated after hastily retreating behind Neville.

Draco picked up a nearby medical text and began flipping through it for remedies to head injuries. "And how long have you been seeing people in your chocolate?" the blond asked in what seemed to be a professional manner.

"More to the point," Harry added, "if there are people in your chocolate, why are you still eating it? I mean really, Ron...doesn't that seem a bit odd? Homicidal, perhaps?"

"Is there something you'd like to tell us?" Hermione chimed in. "Have you been having any unusual dreams or waking up in different parts of the castle? Are there blank spaces in your memory that you can't account for?" Neville was carefully trying to extricate himself from Ron's grasp.

"I'm not crazy!" Ron shouted, forgetting he was in the middle of the library. Later-after Madame Pince had thrown him out-Ron finally managed to explain that Flamel was actually on the back of the trading cards for chocolate frogs. "He's Dumbledore's alchemy partner."

"So there aren't actually people in your chocolate?" Neville asked.

"Just frogs."

"Well that's all right then."

Meanwhile, Hermione was rushing back into the library only to return with an oversized tome. She flipped it open to a page, pointing excitedly. "Nicholas Flamel is widely acclaimed for his invention of the Flamel nightgown, a pink lacy nightgown for men that can be worn with or without a head cap. He's alsothe only known maker of the Sorcerer's Stone, which can turn any metal into gold, make the drinker immortal, cure any disease, and also wards off rabid zebras."

"I suppose Quirrel wants to go on safari then," Ron supplied. Hermione beaned him with the tome.

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In another part of the castle,four men and one woman were having a conference. Two of the men were filling the other three in on the history of a certain boy wizard and were somewhat unsurprised when things in the room began to smoke and shatter. At the end of the recitation, five steely-eyed adults sat in a thoughtful silence.

One spoke: "It would be easier to deny culpability if we arranged everything separately."

"It would also allow for the element of surprise."

It was agreed to by all. The guilty parties would pay, incriminating pictures would be taken, and one boy wizard would awaken to a very merry Christmas indeed.

"This concludes the first meeting of Revenge Inc." (Sound of gavel banging) "Mooonyyy!!! Give it baaacckk!!!"

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I'm not entirely sure if I will be able to update over the week of Thanksgiving, but if I do update, it won't be Chapter Nine that comes out next. The next part in the series is called _A Very Dursley Christmas_, but it doesn't fit in as an actual chapter in the story, so I'm going to be posting it separately. Anyway, the seriousness is over for a while, so everyone can breathe a long sigh of relief. (Sorry, but it had to be done. Think of the poor little plot folks! What do you mean I don't have one?!) A big thank you to all of my reviewers!

Lady FoxFire: Your secret is safe with me! I've never tried a meatball sub, though...I take it they're good? -Gives out heated foot long meatball sub with extra cheese and medium Pepsi-

Night-Owl123: Thank you! Yes...mmmm....chocolate.... –Gives out chocolate truffles-

Otspock: Thanks! I hope you like this chapter, too! -Gives out chocolate truffles-

nogoalielikeme: Actually, it's ma'am, but if you really want some...okay! -Gives out chocolate cake and chocolate truffles- Two for the price of one! ;)

athenakitty: Harry is capable of summoning any god or goddess from any religion or mythology around the world, so yes to the first question. As to the second, Fluffy is a Cerberus, which are the dogs that guard the gates to the underworld in Greek mythology. To Persephone, this makes Fluffy something of an escaped pet. For the third question: the hair removal spell is basically the same as shaving someone; the hair will grow back on it's own eventually-unless you're one of those unlucky people who shaves their head, and the hair never grows back. The fourth question, alternately yes and no. (Fortunately Remus will have pictures of that episode in Sirius's life-Moony is a Marauder after all!) As to the fifth, you'll just have to wait for _A Very Dursley Christmas_ and probably a section of Chapter Nine to find that part out. :) Good questions, though- as always. –Gives out chocolate truffles-

Darak: A fair enough definition, although a polite flame wouldn't be ill received be me either. I always like to know what people don't like, even if they fail to tell me how they would like for me to fix it. –Gives out chocolate truffles-

CuriousKitty: You have no idea how many puns I could make from your name and that review. Must...hold back...temptation... Okay, it's over. Thank you, though! -Gives out chocolate truffles and oxygen mask-

gaul1: Thanks. I'm not sure if Harry's the type to alter someone else's...er...equipment, but I wouldn't put it past anyone else involved! -Gives out chocolate truffles-


	9. Chapter Nine: A Black Fated Christmas

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Harry Potter or anything else that might belong to anyone else which I might accidentally mention. On an unrelated side note, I've noticed that my fish like to circle streams of bubbles in their tank, and my cat likes to circle the fish tank. My dog likes to circle the cat, the earth circles the sun, and the sun has a huge rotational orbit of it's own in relation to other solar systems. My conclusion is that square shaped glasses went out of style for this reason. Rage against the machine! Four corners rule!

AN: Chapter Nine begins approximately two weeks before Christmas Eve and ends after Christmas, so the first few sections predate _A Very Dursley Christmas_ while the last few sections are simultaneous to and after it. And if you haven't read _A Very Dursley Christmas_ yet, you might want to before you read Chapter Nine or the end could ruin some of the jokes.

Chapter Nine: A Black Fated Christmas

Harry saw Draco, Hermione, Ron, and Neville off to the train the next morning. Somehow he also ended up lugging Draco's second trunk there, too, but he figured that if the blonde's Christmas present failed to make up for the manual labor, he could always have Draco join the ranks of such notables as Fluffy, Mrs. Norris, Hufflepuff, and Ravenclaw. Of course, Harry doubted he would live to see December 26, but Draco's trunk was _really heavy_…

After his friends had left-and Pachamama had fixed the strained muscle in his back-Harry returned to his Godfathers' rooms, where they were waiting to floo to Black Manor. Harry couldn't help wondering if it was really black… Knowing his Godfathers, it was much more likely to be decorated in multicolored paw-prints, but then they would have changed the name to Party Town.

Actually, Black Manor was blue and mahogany, as Harry found out when he tumbled out of the fireplace and into the china cabinet. The bulk of the blue decorations came from the shattered china scattered across the floor of the parlor, and the rest of the furniture was mostly mahogany.

"Okay, new rule," Remus said as he helped Harry to his feet. "You don't come through the floo until one of us is on the other side waiting with a pile of cushions and an impediment charm."

Harry grinned sheepishly. "Sorry."

From his pocket, Rumples gave a disgruntled squeak. "I think the fireplace doesn't like us," Loki whined.

Sirius was grinning evilly. "Don't be. I've been trying to find a subtle way of disposing of my mother's china for years, but Remmy wouldn't let me." He let out a delighted cackle. "Now it's gone! GONE!! Mwah ha ha ha!!!"

"Bad puppy! Down!" Moony was more than a little disturbed by the glint in his mate's eyes. For that matter, Harry was a little anxious as well. "Heel!" Then the werewolf took Harry on a tour of the manor.

As it turned out, only the parlor was decorated in dark colors. The house apparently refused to change it in case any visitors arrived. ("I suppose it thinks it has to look _presentable_," Sirius said, affecting an air of grave pomposity as he led them through the orange and purple dining hall. "Did you know dogs are color blind?" Remus asked Harry.) Most of the house varied between astonishing shades of lime green, scarlet, blue, and hot pink. ("Remus, why is the library pink? I mean, sure, a bathroom I guess I could understand, but shouldn't a library be a little less…neon?" "I just bring the books to my rooms, not that yellow polka dots are much better…" The two shared an understanding wince behind Sirius's back.) Fortunately, the house was only about half the size of Malfoy Manor. Unfortunately, that meant that the tour only took one hour instead of two.

"So," Sirius said as he stopped outside of a large oak door, "what do you think?"

"I'm redecorating!"

"You don't like it?" Padfoot looked heartbroken.

"That was Juno," Harry said soothingly as he set his rubber squeak toy on the floor. The possessed mouse promptly ran off and got to work. "I think it's nifty…and roomy…and big…and stuff," he finished awkwardly.

Sirius grinned. "Great! This is your room! I saved it for last because I decorated it secretly! Not even Remus has seen it!" Then he flung open the door.

It looked like someone had taken balloons full of paint and flung them at each wall then stamped smiley faces over everything. The wardrobe was a giant clown in a white suit whose belly opened to store clothing, and the bed was another clown with the fingers curled over the top to serve as the canopy.

Harry drew in breath to scream…and the walls became a lovely woodland scene that seemed to extend into the distance. The dresser changed into an oak tree that opened at the knot hole; the bed was camouflaged to look like a hill. The ceiling was charmed to reflect the night sky.

"Oooh…pretty…" Sirius said from the doorway. "Can we redo our bedroom like this Remmy?"

Remus looked like he was about to start dancing for joy. "Of course we can, dear," he somehow managed to control his tone.

"I'm going to go see what else Juno did," Siri said before running off.

Remus broke out into a huge smile. "If she was anything other than a squeak toy possessed by a deity who'd probably kill me for my cheek, I'd kiss her!"

"A simple 'Thank you, Juno, for saving me from this decorator's hell' would do," Rumples said from beside his foot. "_Never_ let that man decide another color scheme as long as he lives!"

"Thank you, Juno, for saving us from this decorator's hell," Remus and Harry said.

Sirius gave an undignified shout from the library. "Who puts purple and blue together?! Honestly!"

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The two weeks leading up to Christmas Eve passed in a blur of shopping and family time. Harry got to know his two Godfathers even better than they realized simply by watching them interacting. Sirius, for example, was actually exceptionally brilliant in a special sort of way; it was just hidden by his 'puppy' personality, and Remus liked to try and sneak peeks at his Christmas presents early. Thus, all of Moony's presents had to be booby-trapped until Christmas.

He also knew that they were plotting something separate from each other. Harry thought that was more than a little odd considering all of the stories they had told him about the Marauders. He knew that if they were planning pranks, it must be something _huge_ to make them work on it in separate sections.

Harry, Remus and Sirius flooed over to Malfoy Manor the morning of Christmas Eve with their arms full of presents-well, Sirius and Remus had the presents. Harry flooed over carrying a large over-stuffed body pillow and a snickering squeak toy, and he still managed to shoot out of the fireplace like a cannon ball.

Severus, Lucius, and Narcissa were standing by the outside doors. Draco was waiting with his feet up on the couch out of the line of fire. The blonde had to muffle his laughter in a cushion when Harry's pillow exploded in a blizzard of feathers, making the dark-haired boy look like he had just been tarred. Harry frowned at his friend momentarily, and then he opened the outside doors, gathered up a snowball, and dumped it down the back of Draco's robe.

"Merry Christmas, Draco," Harry said cheerfully as the blond Slytherin shrieked and tried to dislodge his early Christmas present.

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At noon, the grown-ups disappeared. They claimed they had some sort of unavoidable meeting that they had to attend and that they probably wouldn't be back until the next morning. The house elves were left to ensure the boys' good behavior, and dinner was to be provided promptly at eight o'clock. All five apparated away with evil grins on their faces.

"What do you think their up to?" Harry asked Draco as the blond pulled out his chess set. "Because whatever it is, I don't think it's the type of meeting where actual business is attended to."

"I don't know," Draco shrugged then smirked, "but I'm giving them one chess game for unexpected returns in case any of them forgot to bring something, and then I'm finding out what I got for Christmas. And no divine intervention while we're playing!"

Harry pulled Rumples out of his pocket and set it by the chess board before he noticed something odd. For the first time since the start of the term, his squeak toy was nothing more than a rubber mouse. "I don't think you'll have to worry Draco…I think my guardians are up to something too." Then Harry proceeded to lose spectacularly.

"I love this game," Draco grinned and pulled out his wand. "Now, presents!"

"We aren't allowed to use magic outside of school during the holidays."

"The Ministry can't detect wand use within the manor." Harry grinned widely, and the two boys set to work.

Three hours later, they admitted defeat. Well, more of a temporary setback, really… "Okay, plan B," Draco said, flopping back onto the couch with an exhausted sigh. "Ask someone who knows to tell us what they are."

Harry sprawled bonelessly across a chair. "Where are we going to find someone who knows what we got for Christmas?"

Draco looked incredulous. "Harry, are you a summoner or not?! Surely there's an omniscient deity or two out there that would be willing to divulge a little privileged information."

"Oh, right," the brunette was embarrassed. He closed his eyes, too tired to concentrate on summoning a specific god, and concentrated on summoning someone who knew everything about everyone and would be willing to gossip about it.

"Harry, we only needed one…"

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Clotho, Lachesis, and Atropos were slowly but surely driving the two boys nuts. For some reason, the three fates seemed determined to carry on an argument about donuts rather than talk about Christmas presents, but the worst part was that it was a circular argument in the truest sense of the term. They had been saying the exact same things for _eight straight hours!_ The three hadn't even noticed when Harry and Draco had excused themselves for dinner. Now the two boys were plotting ways to interject themselves into the argument to get them to a) talk about presents or b) leave.

"I'm not sure how they would respond to an attempt to interrupt them," Harry said. "Remember, Atropos snips the life lines, so it isn't a good idea to go making her mad." ("The reason that donuts have holes in them is so kittens can use them as life preservers!" Clotho remained adamant.)

"What if we subtly threw them in the dungeon?" ("But kittens hate water," Lachesis pointed out for the 3, 387,472 time. "I doubt there would be such a large demand for kitten life preservers as to require the amount of donuts baked per day.")

"I didn't know you had a dungeon…" ("That's why donuts are also sugary pastries. They must be useful until such a time as the kittens of the world need them," Atropos managed sarcasm quite well for an old woman.)

"All castles have dungeons. That's where we hide all of our relations that we don't like." (Clotho remained oblivious. "At least Atropos sees my point!")

"Are there any down there right now?" ("Actually, dear, that was sarcasm.")

"No, we let them out over the holidays." ("Oh...")

"That's nice of you." ("It seems to me that poking holes in donuts is a waste of perfectly good pastry parts," Lachesis said reasonably. "Why not simply leave them in and have more donut?")

"I thought so." ("The reason that donuts have holes in them is so kittens can use them as life preservers!" Clotho remained adamant-again.) "Are they ever going to stop that?" Draco groaned.

"Somehow I doubt it," Harry answered mournfully. ("But kittens hate water…") The two boys fell asleep on the couch a few minutes later listening to the three fates droning on and on. As soon as they were fully asleep, the three immediately ceased their arguing and set a spell upon the two boys to keep them asleep until morning.

Lachesis raised an eyebrow at her younger sister. "Life preservers?"

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When Harry and Draco awoke Christmas morning, the three fates were gone.

"If I weren't a Slytherin, I'd say this was a valuable lesson about attempting to open Christmas presents early," Harry said.

Draco nodded agreement. "Instead, it's a valuable lesson about preparing better in advance and never summoning those three again!"

"It's good to be us."

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The five adults who appeared for breakfast looked as if they hadn't slept at all during the night, but they also looked as if they'd had a great deal of fun doing so-with the exception of Severus, who merely looked like he had spent the night not killing a great many people and actually hadn't regretted it. ("One day, I'm going to figure out the secret to that glare," Draco whispered conspiratorially to Harry. "Then I'm going to use it on him and see what happens." "Ten galleons says he implodes from shock," Harry whispered back. "More from _you_ glaring at him than anything else!")

"What in the name of Merlin are you two giggling over?" Lucius asked.

"Oh, nothing much," Draco answered lightly. "We're just trying to figure out the best way to make someone implode. We're open to suggestions," he added hopefully.

"The fastest way is to alter an Intrificus Potion with linseed oil after you add in the boomslang skin, but it is, unfortunately, traceable by the Ministry."

"Severus!" Narcissa was incensed. "Do not tell those two how to implode people simply because they asked you!" The Potions Master affected an expression of wounded innocence so totally out of character that Sirius fainted.

"That…was truly gratifying," he said, returning to his normal glaring expression. Remus and Lucius began laughing hysterically, with Harry and Draco soon joining in.

Narcissa just smiled and began trying to revive her cousin.

Once he was awake, Remus spoke up. "We have a surprise for you on the pensieve, Harry, before you open the rest of your presents. We found a way to project the highlights of it up onto the wall. _Revero Memora Pensieve!_"

It was like watching a movie. There were the Dursleys sitting at home with Petunia craning her neck over the fence posts. Then the fence posts became elves and the decorations on the house changed to include firecrackers and venus fly traps. (Harry felt Rumples stir in his pocket as Loki took control. "You do know that Venus fly traps aren't meant for Northern climates?" Harry whispered as the Dursleys fast forwarded into their car. "So that's why they were so tetchy about growing on the eaves!") He could hear Draco fall out of his chair laughing during the Bunny Foo-Foo Fiasco. (Ate had taken over temporarily. "Do you like what I did with the lyrics, Harry? I thought they needed a little improvement." Harry had tears running down his face because he had been laughing so hard. "I love it! But that poor little kid!" "Don't worry about that. I've got a whole set of sisters that take care of the unintended casualties. They were probably the world's first psychologists! Funny thing, though…they're all named Litai.")

He was slightly disturbed to find out that his Aunt Petunia had always wanted to be an Elvis impersonator, but he had always known that Dudley was secretly a hamster. ("I bet he got that round because he ate his wheel!" Draco wheezed between laughs.) The greatest part was Uncle Vernon's impersonation of a cheesy horror movie: _Attack of the FAT MAN!!! _He almost hated to see them get captured by the aborigines. Almost. The attack of the Ronalds, however, was scary. It reminded him a little too much of his room. ("I fixed that, remember," Juno said gently from Rumples. "There's nothing to be afraid of, Harry. The clowns won't hurt you.") When Hugin and Munin appeared and herded the Dursleys into the cupboard under the stairs, Harry had a feeling that the three muggles wouldn't come out of this sane. ("What did you do to them?" he asked Odin. "I made them watch _Manos: The Hands of Fate_ without the _Mystery Science Theater 3000_ commentary," the god replied seriously. Harry winced in pain. He'd seen it with the commentary, and that had been bad enough.) Sure enough, the three emerged pale and shaking. They were also covered in feathers.

That only made Harry laugh harder when a chainsaw wielding Santa Clause jumped out of the fireplace. ("Remus!" Draco was shocked when he asked who was responsible for the prank. The blond grinned. "Wow…vindictive much?") Dudley the hippo's first action was to put his foot through his computer, which was the height of comedy to Harry. Petunia's first action was to try and eat the tablecloth. Vernon's was to get stuck in a doorway. When the earth swallowed the three of them and spat them back out in a pen, Harry felt Pachamama invade Rumples. ("I always thought you were speaking figuratively about making the earth swallow them whole." "No, but you'll notice that I left your garden alone, dear," the Earth mother answered. "I dragged them through a few sewer networks and patches of mud while I was at it.") Then the house blew up. ("I also turned on the Christmas lights." "They were firecrackers," Harry pointed out faintly. "Yes, well, to each his own.") Finally, ten dump trucks dumped something on top of the fire. ("That would be elephant dung," Sirius said proudly. "Yours I take it?" Draco asked. "No," Padfoot was grinning, "last night your mother made the world's largest dung bomb!" "For the last time, Black, Malfoys do not make dung bombs!!" "Your mother is so cool," Harry said. "Yeah," Draco agreed, still in shock.) The 'movie' ended with three trucks from the London Zoo carting the Dursleys off to their new home.

"Remus?"

"Yes, Harry?"

"How long will they be animals?"

"About two more weeks." He produced an envelope full of tickets to the London Zoo for New Years Day. "Want to go see them sometime?" he asked, smiling. "We'll be able to take Ms. Granger, Mr. Weasley, and Mr. Longbottom along by then."

"Just out of curiosity," Sirius asked, "hippos and walrus technically have hair, don't they?"

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Whew! Another long one! Sorry this has taken me awhile to update, but these next few chapters are probably going to be a few days farther between updates than I normally go. It's finals time at the college, and I'm spouting inaccurate Spanish hither and yon. I'd like to give a big thanks to everyone who has taken time to review! The tangible presents will be in the upcoming chapter.

-Juno is the Roman queen of the gods and the wife of Jupiter. She is typically associated with marriage and the home. Her Greek equivalent is Hera.

-Clotho, Lachesis, and Atropos are the three fates from Greek mythology. They're also known as the Moirae. Clotho is the youngest- the maiden who spins out the thread of life. Lachesis is portrayed as a matronly woman who measures out the length of the yarn allotted to each person, and Atropos is the crone who uses a pair of golden shears to snip the thread when it's time for the person to die. Interestingly enough, these three disobey Zeus on a regular basis, but Zeus never disobeys them even though he is supposed to be their master. So no one knows if the Fates or Zeus is the most powerful. (I'd bet on the Fates though…Zeus can't seem to keep any of his children in line, and no one disobeys the Fates.)

-The Litai are Ate's sisters, who are responsible for fixing the damage that she wreaks among mortals-and oh boy does she wreak a lot!

nogoalielikeme: Where did that quote come from? It sounds like something from Monty Python, but I'm probably completely off base. Thanks for reviewing! –Gives out cupcake-

Night-Owl123: Awww…I'm sorry you don't like chocolate truffles…not even the mint filled ones? -Gives out cupcake-

athenakitty: -grins- I don't think Moony trusts Sirius with potentially lethal objects like gavels. Not that Siri is _dangerous_ with them or anything… Oh, and the cameras don't run out of film. Their like the ultimate Polaroid! As to what will happen to the Dursleys once they're human again-or as close as they ever get to it-I'll just snicker evilly and make you wait to find out. -Gives out cupcake-

gaul1: Thanks! If you mean a real dragon, that's an interesting idea… Hmmm, now you've got me thinking about Hufflepuffs roasting over an open fire. Happy Holidays! –Gives out cupcake-

oneofakindwerewolf: Wow, two years? Glad I could help. (And to think, the other people at the asylum thought my odd sense of humor wouldn't get me anywhere!) Just remember, after periods of prolonged laughter, it's always a good idea to calm down by sniffing a catnip mouse. I learned this straight from my cat, so it must be true. :) –Gives out cupcake-

Lady FoxFire: That's an interesting idea…but there's a problem with it. I'm not a particularly frightening person. Sadly, I'm most often compared to a red Muppet when I'm angry, so I somehow doubt I could make someone paranoid simply by an evil grin. I think my best bet would be to hire someone much more imposing to do the grinning for me. –Gives out cupcake-

Lord Sauron the Deciever: Thanks! I just love making Hermione say things like that! -Gives out cupcake-

Silver-Entrantress-Elf: Thanks for reviewing! I'm glad you like it. :) –Gives out cupcake-

soexasperating: Wow, she's my favorite too! I'm not Greek though… You'll notice I made her a bit OC from her usual portrayals as far as Harry and his family are concerned, but from all the mythology I've read, every god and goddess has a soft spot. I just figure Harry is hers. Thanks! Hope you review again! -Gives out cupcake-

evil-pillow: Thanks, glad you like it! -Gives out cupcake-

Anon Junky: You mean once they get out of the Zoo? Let's just say it will be awhile before they have to worry about finding accommodations. ;) -Gives out cupcake-


	10. Chapter Ten: The Jinxed Zoo

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Harry Potter or anything else that might belong to anyone else which I might accidentally mention. (I hate writing disclaimers…stupid things…Can't I be delusional and pretend that I own it? No? Well, at least I still own Rumples, the plot, and another original character that will be introduced this chapter.)

AN: I've had a request to use my fic as a source of inspiration. I don't mind anyone doing this; in fact I'm actually flattered by it. (And to think, I was convinced that this was just a conglomeration of insane ramblings and bits of dialogue…) I also realize that there area great deal of dramatic uses for summoners, but I just personally prefer writing comedy. (One day I might do a drama, but I doubt I would get very far before I put a rubber chicken in it…) All I ask is that you drop me a line in a review and let me know what you're up to because I'd be interested in reading anything that someone had based on this. Also, I'd rather no one uses Rumples or Jinx. I'm very fond of my squeak toys. :) (They're mine!! Mine, I tell you! –Evil laughter-)

/_whoopee!/_parseltongue

Chapter Ten: The Jinxed Zoo

The unwrapping of Christmas presents was complicated by the adults forgetting to remove the traps on Remus's gifts. After his hair had been turned purple and his nose had become a banana, they finally got the hint. Remus was kind enough to refrain from retaliating since it was a holiday.

Harry received a set of practice Quidditch balls, three books on magical practical jokes, a book on rare magical abilities, and an amulet in the shape of a phoenix from Sirius and Remus. According to the two Marauders, the amulet was covered in protection charms. Severus gave him a book on simple medicinal potions. ("To counteract any injuries you manage to cause using those books," the Potions Master said, glaring at Sirius.) Ron sent him a large package of chocolate frogs, Hermione gave him a book on the history of Merlin, Neville gave him a broom repair kit, and Lucius and Narcissa gave him an ivory and onyx chess set.

Draco gave him a box of chocolates and a rubber snake. "I thought you could use it since you can summon up to two guardians at a time without your tattoos showing," the blond said with a grin. The snake was black with green eyes and a red tongue that flicked out when it was squeezed. Harry named it Jinx.

Jinx was promptly possessed by Loki. "Nice name," the god commented, taking a nip at Rumples-who was currently housing Ate.

/_I thought so_/, Harry smiled. He abruptly stopped when he heard the collective gasps from around the room. "What?"

"Harry, why didn't you tell us you were a parselmouth?" Remus was in shock.

"What's a parselmouth?" Harry asked.

"It means you can talk to snakes," Draco translated. "This is so cool!"

"Oh, I knew I could do that. I accidentally set a python on my cousin Dudley once when we were at the zoo." Severus raised an eloquent eyebrow. "Well it isn't as if I asked it to try and bite him! But so what? I bet loads of people here can do it."

"Actually, no," Remus said, slightly calmer. "It isn't a very common gift."

"In fact, it's usually associated with dark wizards." Lucius was promptly slapped on the back of the head by Narcissa. "What? Would you rather Harry goes back to Hogwarts without any warning as to how people might react?"

"Sorry dear." Narcissa didn't sound sorry. "However, that was completely tactless." She turned to Harry with a small smile. "I doubt anyone will have a serious problem with it, Harry. This is one case where your fame can actually make life easier on you because no one in their right mind would ever believe you to be a dark wizard."

Remus nodded. "She's right. I doubt even Gryffindor house will have any serious difficulties accepting it, especially since you're already friends with several of them. You might be able to terrorize the Hufflepuffs though…" The werewolf had a wicked glint in his eyes that meant he was thinking up something usually done by Sirius.

"What about the Ravenclaws?" Draco grinned evilly.

"They're too logical to be threatened by it," Severus said after a moment. "They're much more likely to try to experiment with Harry's ability by bringing him into contact with snakes and several snake-like creatures." He frowned thoughtfully. "I wonder if you could understand dragons. Or wyverns? Possibly lizards…"

/_I'm bored!_/ Loki whined. /_Can I bite someone?_/

/_One: you're made of rubber. Two: no._/ Harry watched the tattoos on his hands thoughtfully. /_Is there a way to cover these up when they appear?_/

/_One: They're meant as a warning to anyone trying to attack you. Two: no._/

/_Grumpy little snake, aren't you?_/ Ate hissed from Rumples.

Harry blinked. "You can speak parseltongue too?"

Ate looked offended. "Goddess. Hello…"

"Right. Sorry."

Jinx gave Harry a pleading look. /_Just a little nibble?_/

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Ron, Neville, and Hermione arrived by Floo early on New Year's Day. Only one of them displayed Harry's gift for shooting out of the floo like a greased pig. Surprisingly, it was Hermione. The bushy haired girl gave an offended huff as she pulled herself out from under a coffee table, ignoring the laughter surrounding her.

"I don't think it likes people whose name begins with an 'H', but we'd have to kidnap a lot of people to make sure," Harry said as he helped his friend up.

"I've got a better idea," Hermione grumbled. "Why don't we just hex the floo offices into oblivion until they fix the problem?"

Rumples-possessed by Siren-gave an undignified snort. "Why don't we just send explosives along all of the floo networks and explode all the chimneys?"

"Too messy," Harry said dismissively. "We could always alter the floo powder to slow people down as they left."

"And give them polka dots!" Sirius looked excited.

"Anything you came up with would kill everyone who used it, Black," Severus sneered. "Now, I believe we were going to the zoo."

"Right." Remus clapped his hands together. "Zoo now, world domination later."

"What?!" Snape looked confused.

Sirius grabbed one of his arms. "Come, Pinky!"

Remus cleared his throat lightly as Snape was frog-marched to a black limousine. "Sorry, Padfoot, but I think we both know I'm the Brain."

Snape groaned. "I'm in hell."

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The London Zoo was crowded despite the cold. Apparently, there had been a big to-do over the new exhibits thanks to their mysterious origins. Harry was grinning wickedly as they made their way toward the walrus exhibit.

"Oh Uncle Vernon…" Harry sang out cheerfully. "How does it feel to be in your natural habitat?"

The walrus raised its head up from where it was laying on the rocks and bellowed at the party.

"That's about what I thought." The brunette smirked.

Sirius muttered something under his breath while gesturing towards Vernon. Remus noticed what he was doing and grabbed his wrist, but it was too late.

"Who knew walrus's were orange under that thin fur?"

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Petunia was being kept in the petting zoo where her tail was constantly pulled by small brats. She brayed fearfully upon seeing the group of wizards heading towards her-although that may have also been caused by the small child with a stick pin headed towards her tail.

Remus had a tight grip on Sirius's hand, but Petunia was a bald donkey within seconds regardless. The werewolf looked around sharply. Lucius Malfoy was trying unsuccessfully to tuck his wand further up his sleeve. Narcissa grabbed her husband's hand. "You're just as bad as Sirius!" She scolded.

"You know, I heard a lovely joke the other day concerning a donkey, a rabbit, and a rooster," Sirius grinned. Snape's hand twitched from within his robe sleeve, and Sirius suddenly had a trout attached to his lips with duct-tape.

"Where did _that _come from?" The Potions Master affected an air of innocent curiosity. Sirius ripped off the duct-taped trout and threw it at a goat.

Remus shook his head, deciding to ignore the other three men. "Harry is there anything that you want to say to your Aunt before we leave?"

"Beware the bunnies of impudence."

The donkey blinked.

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Dudley the hippo was completely submerged in water when the group arrived, and he was completely bald a few seconds later. There was really only one thing to do…

"Draco what did you just throw into that pool?"

"Prissy's Permanent Pink Dye."

"He looks like a pig…" Hermione noted, and then giggled. "Pork of the pond!"

"You know, I bet he only gained about five pounds when he changed…" Harry grinned. "We could sell him by the ounce and make a killing." The hippo was backing up into the farthest corner of his cage.

Ron objected loudly to this. "If I'm not allowed to eat the people in my chocolate, then there's no way I'm letting you guys eat hippo meat!"

Neville patted the red-head on the back, and then addressed the large crowd of muggles watching Ron in alarm. "He forgot to take his medication this morning, but he isn't really dangerous, just crazy."

"I'M NOT CRAZY!!!"

"Come along dear," Narcissa said, leading him away from the hippo exhibit.

Harry waved jauntily to his cousin. "Bye Dudley! I think I liked you better as a hamster." Hermione grabbed his arm and pulled him away, mouthing "He's mental" to the stunned muggles.

Their last stop was at the reptile exhibit, where Harry immediately began chatting up a boa constrictor. Its name was Morky, and it had come directly from a zoo in Brazil.

Harry managed to talk it into squeezing the orange walrus in exchange for its freedom.

He pulled Jinx out of his pocket and pointed the toy towards the glass. "Now Brigid!" he whispered. The Goddess bobbed her head, and the glass vanished.

/_Thanksss, Lady and sssir._/ Morky hissed. Jinx nodded gravely-Brigid had always had a soft spot for snakes.

/_Hurry. You don't have much time._/ Harry waved him off.

On their way out, the group saw a mad rush of snake handlers headed toward the walrus exhibit.

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A week later, there was an article in the _London Times_:

WALRUS, HIPPO, AND DONKEY MISSING! CRAZED FAMILY FOUND IN CAGES!

Yesterday three animals vanished from the London Zoo. The walrus, hippo, and donkey-all three of whom were suffering from a mysterious case of hair loss-were found at the residence of the Dursley family on Christmas Day. The Dursleys, however, were missing, and their house was in ruins.

Now the Dursleys have reappeared in the cages of their former pets. The three are reported as being mentally unstable and rambling about McDonalds and horrific movies. They have been taken to the Greensborough Sanitarium for observation while police search for the missing animals.

Sources say that the prognosis for the three Dursleys is grim: "They seem to be suffering from paranoid delusions and severe persecution complexes. Furthermore, they appear to be terrified of the hospital's lingering Christmas decorations. Particularly those depicting Santa Claus. It is unlikely that any of them will recover fully, but we are hopeful that the electroshock therapy will be effective."

Harry, Remus, and Sirius sent them presents of Get Well cards enchanted to play Christmas carols anytime one of them was alone.

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IT'S OVER!! IT'S FINALLY OVER!!! My finals are all nicely completed, and my brain is fried, but the good news is that you can expect regular updates for a while now. Sorry this one took so long, but I actually found studying to be a helpful solution to the problem of comprehensive testing. I've also found that brief naps on top of your notes raises the amount of material you can memorize by soaking the knowledge into your skin as you sleep. –At least, I hope that happened…otherwise I just made up a whole lot of BS on my Contemporary Lit. exam…-

Remember, reviews are _very_ welcome!! -Not that I won't publish chapters without a certain number, but I like feedback.-

nogoalielikeme: Whoo! I love being right! Thanks! -Gives out red velvet cake-

Night-Owl123: Si! Examens estan muy dificil tambien…I had to go back through my English essays to make sure I wasn't using 'y' instead of 'and'. But now…I'm free!!! (At least until next semester) -Gives out red velvet cake-

athenakitty: Actually, I doubt Harry will ever manage to floo properly. There's just too much you can do with a human cannonball…bowling pins for example. :) -Gives out piece of red velvet cake-

Lady FoxFire: My apologies. The cupcakes were chocolate. I'm glad you liked Juno's decorating skills. That's actually what my ideal bedroom would look like. :) I don't even want to think about the possibility of animals trying to mate with the Dursleys…ughh! Squick! I don't know what's worse: the bad mental image or the possibility of more Dursleys! Moving on…Dumbledore (and Fudge, as well, simply because I can't stand bumbling idiots) will be receiving more payback throughout the rest of the fic, and since I plan on making this last through Harry's seven years at Hogwarts…-grins- I'd feel sorry for Dumbledore if I didn't dislike him so much. –Gives out red velvet cake-

gaul1: Glad you liked it! -Gives out red velvet cake-

Siggy: I hadn't actually noticed that until you pointed it out! Score one for unintentional humor! :) As to the use of my fic as inspiration, go ahead. I'm glad you found it useful! Just look up to the AN at the top of this chapter for the conditions-which basically amount to: you can use anything except Rumples or Jinx. –Gives out red velvet cake-

Khadon: Thanks! Technically, though, Rumples is a mouse…but I'm glad you like him! :) -Gives out red velvet cake-

PbookR: Hindu…hmmm…I can swing that. I've actually always been fond of Shiva, but I'll have to do some research to look at the others. –Gives out red velvet cake-


	11. Chapter Eleven: Erised Snogard

**Disclaimer:** I don't own it.

Please don't sue.

You won't get anything

If you do.

Chapter Eleven: Erised Snogard

The Great Hall was unusually silent during the first dinner feast of the New Year. The candles on the ceiling were flickering wildly from a whirlwind that had sprung up around the Boy Who Lived.

Spinning on the outside of the wind were a green Pansy Parkinson and Blaise Zabini.

It started with Parkinson and Zabini slipping a potion into Hermione and Draco's drinks. Harry presumed that he had one in his as well, but he hadn't drunk anything yet. The potion's effect was to trap the drinker in a nightmare until the antidote was administered. Needless to say, Harry hadn't taken the attack on his friends well.

"Potter! Calm down NOW!!!" Snape was forced to use a sonorous charm just to be heard over the roar of the wind. A pair of glittering green eyes met his before the wind stopped abruptly, dumping its two victims twenty feet to the floor. The pair promptly started throwing up from the motion sickness. "_Finite Incantatum,"_ Severus's voice returned to its normal velvet drawl. "I have already administered the antidote. Ms. Granger and Mr. Malfoy are fine, and I suggest that you go visit them in the Hospital Wing while I deal with these two." Harry gave a brief nod and stomped out, Remus and Sirius trailing behind him.

"That was an impressive display, Harry," Remus commented mildly. "Do you often do accidental wandless magic when you're angry?" Harry grunted non-committally. "Harry?"

"Sometimes."

"Have you ever been able to control it like that before?"

"No."

Rumples-as Shiva-piped up from Harry's pocket. "I told you that the meditation would increase the control over your magic. You probably have a gift for wandless magic, too! We can test it out after collecting your friends."

Padfoot's grin was pure mischief. "You realize what this means, don't you?"

Harry eyed his Godfather warily. "What?"

"You can turn Pansy into a pickle, and no one can prove you did it!"

"Why a pickle?" Remus was still trying to figure out how his mate's mind worked.

"What do you mean?"

"Why not a credenza? Or an antelope? A pea-shooter, even!" Remus threw his hands up in the air. "Why, out of all the things in the world to choose from, did you want to turn Parkinson into a pickle?!"

"I like to ask 'Why not?'" The hallway was filled with two pained moans. "What?"

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Neville and Ron were already waiting in the Hospital Wing on one of the beds while Madame Pomfrey checked over Hermione and Draco. When the three arrived, they launched into Harry.

"That whirlwind was wicked, Harry!" Ron looked awed.

"Did you see Zabini's face?! I wish you could make my Gran pull that face!" Neville was having an unusually evil moment.

Draco looked confused. "What whirlwind?"

Hermione frowned. "Harry, what did you do? More to the point, can you be expelled for it?"

Harry smiled. "I twirled Blaise and Pansy around in a tornado for a few minutes." The doors of the infirmary opened to admit Snape floating the now unconscious pair. "Apparently they don't like things like roller coasters…"

"No, Mister Potter, they do not," Severus sounded amused. "And they both owe me a new pair of shoes. The next time that you decide to wreak vengeance, would you be so kind as to do it in a manner that does not involve the potential for regurgitation?"

"Yes, sir."

"Thank you."

Harry turned back to Hermione and Draco with a worried frown. "Are you two alright? What were you dreaming about?"

Hermione raised an eyebrow. "We're fine, but the two numb-skulls brewed the potion wrong…unless, of course, my worst nightmare is Barney in a tutu sacrificing magic cabbage." The infirmary was filled with several fits of suspicious coughing.

Draco blinked. "My dream was that my broom decided it didn't like me and went on to a career as a country singer, but no one could understand it because it was made out of Brazilian rubber trees." The coughing was replaced with large bouts of laughter.

"Was…that…why you were…humming…'Man, I feel like a woman'?" Ron managed between laughs.

"And Hermione…was muttering…'No! Not the purple ones...I was going to make a salad!'" Neville's face had turned a brilliant shade of red.

Madame Pomfrey hushed them al with a stern glare. "If you're all quite done, you may leave Ms. Granger. You as well, Mr. Malfoy. And Mr. Potter, I would appreciate it if you would kindly refrain from creating any more patients for me."

"Yes, ma'am." Harry tried to look properly chagrined, but the image of Ballerina Barney sacrificing cabbage kept intruding.

Once the five were out of the infirmary, they went to the library to do their homework while Sirius and Remus went back to their rooms-after sternly reminding the five to be back in their dorms before curfew (where stern means "barely managing not to snicker on every other word"). However, the five successfully managed to lose track of time by falling asleep on top of their transfiguration texts.

It was 1:30am before Hermione woke-and woke everyone else up with her cry of, "Bloody Hell! We are so dead!!"

Rumples-as Ate-spoke up from beside Harry's hand. "We're going to be if you don't be quiet!" The four boys raised their head to stare at the mouse. "Now gather your things and get as close to each other as possible. I'm going to make us invisible! Then we'll drop Ron and Neville off at the tower and head back to the dungeons, okay?"

Harry blinked sleepily. "Sometimes I find it really hard to believe you're a Goddess of evil…"

"Only because I like you, dear."

"Good point." The five-plus the possessed squeak toy-snuck out of the library and toward the tower with only one encounter. Filch was patrolling the fourth floor and heading directly toward them. Panicking, the five dived into an abandoned classroom…with a mirror in it.

Ron walked up to it and tapped the glass. "What's this? Hey! It's me!"

"That's generally what mirrors do, Ron," Hermione said as if she were talking to an infant. "They show your reflection, but it's not really you. Do you understand?"

"I know that! I mean it's me, but I'm taller! I have muscles and a moustache! I look good!!"

"I somehow doubt that." Draco was having a hard time picturing Ron with a moustache. "Let me have a look." The blonde stepped in front of the mirror…and blinked. "Wow…I'm older…and I have a fan club! They're all swarming around me wanting an autograph…I need to start wearing sunglasses like those!"

Hermione groaned. "Is there something on the mirror that tells what it is?"

"_Inluminare Conclave!_" Suddenly, the room was filled with light.

"You just can't do anything the easy way, can you Harry?" Draco looked amused.

"What did I tell you about using unknown spells?!" Hermione was incensed. "Where do you get these things, anyway?!!"

Harry shrugged eloquently, figuring it was better not to irritate Hermione anymore by telling her he made them up from an English-to-Latin pocket dictionary. "Look, 'Mione! The mirror has an inscription!"

"Nice dodge," Ate muttered.

"_Erised stra ehru oyt ube cafru oyt on woshi." _Hermione looked puzzled. "What language is that in?"

"It's backwards. It says, 'I show not your face but your hearts desire." Ron looked at the incredulous faces surrounding him. "What?"

"Are you feeling okay?" Neville looked concerned.

"Why is it that I can't say something intelligent without everyone looking at me like I'm a purple antelope?!"

"I'll take that as a no."

Harry stepped in front of the mirror while Ron attempted to strangle Neville. In the mirror, four people were standing behind him. One was a woman with flame red hair and brilliant green eyes. The other looked like an older version of Harry, except that his eyes were brown. "It's my parents…" he said softly. "And Sirius and Remus." He blinked back tears before he noticed something else. "Why are my Godfathers holding rubber chickens?" He stepped away from the mirror, sensing that it was somehow dangerous.

Hermione walked up and looked in. "Ooohhh! A big library, and it's all for me!" She looked close to dancing until Harry and Draco pulled her away. "You two are mean…"

Neville stood in front of the mirror…and blushed. Inside the mirror, he was performing a tap-dancing routine worthy of Fred Astaire, but he was wearing spandex.

"Nice, Neville!" Draco commented lightly. "Now I know what to get you for your birthday: a top hat and a cane!" Neville groaned with embarrassment.

On impulse, Harry booted Ate out of Rumples for a moment and placed the mouse in front of the mirror. Silence reigned for a long time.

"My squeak toy wants to take over the world…"

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A few weeks later, Harry, Hermione, and Draco paid a visit to Hagrid in an effort to get the giant to spill some more about the third floor corridor and the protections on the Sorcerer's Stone. Instead, they found the gamekeeper frying an egg in a pot.

"Is that a dragon egg?" Draco said faintly.

Hermione sighed. "Hagrid, you live in a wooden house!"

"Yep."

"Dragons breathe fire."

"Nifty creatures, aren't they?" Hagrid, as usual, missed the point.

Harry tried. "Wood and fire don't mix well."

"Na that's not true, Harry. You can get a nice bonfire out of a bit o' timber and a flaming marshmallow."

Harry groaned. "I give up. You try, Draco."

"Do you use the big marshmallows or the little ones that go in cocoa?"

"Draco!" The blonde gave his two friends a look of pure innocence.

"I was just curious!"

"I don't s'pose it matters too much, Draco, as long as the marshmallow is on fire." The sound of something cracking came from the pot. "'Old on Norbert! Daddy's comin'!" Hagrid rushed over to the pot and liberated the dark brown egg, placing it on the table. A gray dragon the size of a cat emerged in a shower of shell pieces and promptly set Hagrid's eyebrows on fire. "Bless him, he knows his mum!"

"First: Norbert? Second: you're a male." Draco ducked out of the way of a small spurt of flame.

"He's got to have a name, don't he?"

"He's lovely, Hagrid," Hermione said soothingly. "But I think we need to get back to the castle and study." Two quick nods of assent followed this announcement.

Hagrid nodded absently, and the three took off toward the castle before the hut could burn down.

"Hagrid can't keep a dragon. It's illegal," Draco pointed out.

"So what do we do?" Harry asked.

"We find some way to ship Norbert off to a dragon colony without alerting the authorities," Hermione answered reasonably.

"In what? A wooden crate?"

"No, a steel cage with pot-holders on the bottom to keep his feet from getting cold!" Draco was at his sarcastic best.

"That's actually not a bad idea…" Hermione said thoughtfully.

"The pot-holders or the cage?" Harry asked, confused.

"The pot-holders. We can use Norbert to bake cakes."

"Draco, contain yourself. Harry, think before you speak." Hermione was doing an excellent impression of Professor McGonagall. "We just need to find some willing victims to ship him."

"Maybe Sirius and Remus know some people…" Harry said hopefully.

"And if they don't, we could always auction him off on the Black Market."

"Draco!"

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I'd like to thank everyone who reviewed. Reviews make me sooo happy!! (Just like funny-tasting egg-nog…mmmmm…On a side note, remember to check the expiration dates on egg-nog before you drink it.) Anyway, for my purposes, the scenes in the Mirror of Erised can be viewed by anyone who is looking at it, rather than the just the person in front of it.

athenakitty: Everyone hexed the presents because they all know that Remus likes to peek. I doubt the Dursleys are going to get out of the sanitarium for a long while, but not to worry, plenty of vengeance will be wreaked on other parties in the meantime! :) -Gives out gingerbread man named Bob-

Night-Owl123: Oooh…you poor thing! Speaking tests are the worst! Hope it went well! -Gives out gingerbread man named Sam-

Lady FoxFire: Thanks! Hey, my first hit-list! Wow! :) I've already planned evil things for Cho later on…I'll see what I can do about the others! (evil snickers) -Gives out gingerbread man named Pringle-

gaul1: Thanks! I think it went fairly well…as in I didn't panic and run screaming out of the classroom. :) -Gives out gingerbread man named George-

Saetan: Yeah! Can I have them? Incidentally, does your name come from the Dark Jewels Trilogy? -Gives out gingerbread man named Daemon-

Signeus: You should have a doctor check your ribs. I'd hate to think I accidentally killed one of my reviewers… ;) -Gives out gingerbread man named Fred-

TammyLSlark: Nope, but I looked up the fic after you mentioned it. Very funny!!! Thanks for the compliment! -Gives out gingerbread man named Williker-


	12. Chapter Twelve: I'm a little teapot

**Disclaimer:** Help! The antelopes are after me for coloring them purple!

Oh…and I don't own the Harry Potter series or anything else that might belong to anyone else which I might mention.

Chapter Twelve: I'm a little teapot…

As it turned out, Sirius and Remus knew of several people who would be willing to smuggle a dragon out of the country-but only one of them wouldn't sell it for potions supplies. So the three Slytherins spent their Sunday using Ron to correspond with Charlie Weasley. It was finally agreed that four of Charlie's friends would pick up Norbert from the Astronomy Tower on Friday night.

"Now all we need to do is get Norbert to the tower," Harry said with a sigh.

"It's simple really," Hermione said with a smile. "We'll transfigure him into a teapot, and they can do a _Finite Incantatum_ on him when they get to the dragon colony."

"Dragons are resistant to magic," Draco pointed out.

"Only in the areas that have scales. Their eyes and the spaces between their toes happen to be quite vulnerable to magic. Their tongue is, as well, but I don't fancy sticking my _wooden_ wand in Norbert's mouth."

"How does it feel to be that smart?" Ron asked curiously.

"It's hard to convince myself that your inferior craniums do not necessarily make you _completely_ inferior to me, however, I have managed to restrain my impulses to use everyone as lab rats rather successfully."

"Thank you," Harry said as he scooted away from the witch.

"You can restrain yourself?" Draco had just turned Neville's hair to a startling shade of orange. "How? More importantly, why?"

"I think of how defenseless Harry would be if I didn't, and I'd rather not have Ate or Odin after me."

Harry wandlessly turned Neville's orange hair into a Mohawk. He hadn't yet figured out how to turn people into pickles, but he was working on it.

"Well, Harry is an exception anyway." Ron had grown bunny ears courtesy of Draco's subtle wand work. "I was referring more to everyone else." The brunette heaved a sigh of relief.

Hermione considered Draco's question for a moment. "I do believe you have a point," she admitted finally. The Patil twins acquired flashing neon signs above their heads saying _I saved millions of lives by having a brain transplant. Please refrain from saying 'Coronary Encephalitis' in my presence._ Mayhem ensued as a large crowd gathered around the girls and shouted rather mispronounced versions of the two words. The Patil twins fainted.

"That was quite enjoyable!" Hermione looked like her birthday had come early.

Remus, Sirius, and Severus ran out of the castle to see what was going on. Sirius immediately spotted the five friends sitting under a tree. "Which one of you did that?"

Four fingers pointed toward Hermione. "I'm so proud!" Sirius sniffed and wiped away a tear.

Remus walked over as Severus dispersed the crowd. "I do believe we've found our heirs, Padfoot," Moony said, grinning at the head ornaments on the two Gryffindors.

"Indeed we have." Sirius puffed out his chest with pride.

Severus, having overheard the conversation, ran screaming into the castle.

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Friday night found the three Slytherins at the top of the Astronomy Tower holding a lime green teapot with a red claw handle and a purple lid.

"Norbert makes an ugly teapot," Draco observed. The spout flickered briefly like a struck match. "He's an annoying little puffer-fish with smelly stockings." The spout flickered again. "He has the brain of a mayonnaise jar, his scales look like their made from the pot metal of pot metal, and his head is shaped like an old boot!" The spout flared for a full minute. "'Fo schnizzle."

Harry and Hermione shared a brief look of pain with each other…then clapped hands over the blonde's mouth.

"Draco, don't upset the teapot." The blonde glared at Hermione as he attempted to pull his friends hands away. Charlie's friends arrived on their broomsticks before he could manage, and Norbert the Teapot was handed safely into their care. When they flew away, the two finally allowed Draco to speak.

"Homey-dude, this is so whack!" Draco pouted as he trounced down the stairs.

Harry looked at Hermione helplessly. "Do you have any idea what he just said?"

"I think it was English, but I can't be sure."

"Maybe somebody hexed him?"

"No one hexed Mr. Malfoy," Severus said as he pulled Draco up behind him. "However, I would very much like to know what you three were doing up here past curfew."

"It flows like this, daddy-o," the blonde took on a classic gangsta pose. "We was mouthin' wit our home-boy, and he hatched out a funky looking reptile, so we knocked off the little bit to some bruthas who took him to the reptile farm. You dig?"

Snape stared at his godson for a long moment before casting a string of curse-revealing charms on him. He scowled when the results came up negative. "That is the last time I allow you to go shopping for music without supervision! Now would someone kindly translate whatever the hell that was for me?!"

Harry tentatively opened his mouth. "I think he was trying to say that we were visiting Hagrid when a dragon hatched out of an egg, so we sent it off with some people to live in a dragon colony."

"Word, dawg."

"Draco, I highly suggest that you resume speaking in genuine English before I begin deducting House points." Snape's glare was set on _skin alive with rusty object_.

"Sure…take all the fun out of life." The blonde resumed pouting.

"You're welcome. Now, I can't let this go unpunished so the three of you will be serving detention with Hagrid tomorrow night seeing as he's the cause of all this. And I had better not find you breaking curfew again, do I make myself clear?"

There was a chorus of "Yes, Professor" as Snape took off toward the dungeons.

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Hagrid was sitting around a campfire toasting marshmallows when the three arrived.

"Are we going to turn the forest into a massive conflagration?" Draco looked absurdly hopeful. Harry's cough sounded suspiciously like "Pyro!"

"Na," the gamekeeper said sadly. "I was just hungry, an' there's no..Norbert –sob- ta toast 'em for me." Hagrid began crying piteously.

Hermione walked over and patted him on the back. "There there, Hagrid. You know you couldn't keep him. After all, Norbert deserves to grow up among his own kind."

"And it was illegal," Harry pointed out.

"I know!" Hagrid wailed. "But what if he don't like it in Romania? What if the other dragons are mean to him?! He's jest a baby, after all!"

Draco rolled his eyes. "He'll be fine, Hagrid. Dragons adopt orphaned fledglings all the time, and they're all right."

The gamekeeper sniffled one last time before hefting a crossbow and standing. "Yer right, Draco…I just miss my baby. –sigh- Now, you three have a detention to serve. We're going into the forest to find a hurt unicorn. I've been finding dead unicorns ever since school started up, and sumthin's hurt this one pretty bad."

"What could hurt a unicorn?" Harry asked.

"Werewolves?" Hermione said thoughtfully.

"Are we really going into the forest?" Draco looked nervous.

"Tha' we are, but there ain't a thing in here that'll hurt ya as long as yer with me."

Hagrid said as they headed into the forest with Fang, Hagrid's bloodhound.

"Hagrid, as much as I hate to point this out, anything that would kill a unicorn isn't likely to avoid attacking us simply because of the company we're keeping." Hermione was as nervous as Draco.

"Has it killed anything else?" Harry asked.

"Nope."

"Then maybe it only likes to eat unicorns."

"It ain' been eatin' em. It's been drinkin' their blood."

Draco had an epiphany. "A werepire!"

"What? Where?!" Harry looked confused.

Hermione frowned. "There's no such thing, Draco! Now stop scaring Harry!"

The brunette gulped. "I'm not scared…"

"I think we'd better split up." The three Slytherins stared incredulously at the gamekeeper. "Hermione, you come with me. Harry, Draco, you two go off that way, an' if you get into trouble, send up red sparks. If ya find the unicorn, send up blue ones. Okay?"

Draco scowled. "Fine! But we get Fang!"

"Alrigh', but jes so's you know, he's a ruddy coward."

Harry, Draco, and Fang headed off into the forest, glancing around nervously at every sound. At the base of a skeletal tree, they found a puddle of silver liquid.

"Unicorn blood," Harry breathed.

"Ewww!" Fang barked his agreement with the blonde.

Harry patted Draco on the head and rolled his eyes at Fang. "Come on, you two. There's a trail."

They followed the little splotches of silver deeper into the forest until they found a clearing with a bright object lying in the middle of it. Harry's scar began to throb terribly. A black-cloaked figure was leaning over it, and when it raised its head, they saw that it was wearing a smiley-face mask.

"AAAAHHHH!!!" The two Slytherins sent up purple sparks as they hurriedly backed away. The shadow glided towards them. Fang fled into the forest.

_Who's that pretty girl in the mirror there?..._

Draco blinked. "Is it singing 'I Feel Pretty'?"

"I think so," Harry said slowly. "My scar hurts…"

_Such a pretty face! Such a pretty girl! Such a pretty me!_

"Why is it that we always manage to end up in these odd sorts of situations?"

"I wish I knew, Draco. I really wish I knew."

_I feel pretty and witty and gay! And I pity any girl who is not me today!_

Hoof-beats sounded from behind them, and a large shape launched itself over the boys' heads. A centaur landed in front of them and reared at the singing shape. It began bellowing out another song: _I rock with a law suit when I'm going to court, a white suit when I'm getting divorced…_

The shape gave a pained howl and fled.

"Harry, am I still here?" Draco asked curiously.

Harry pinched him. "Yes. Am I?"

"Yes. Are they real?"

"I'm not going to pinch them and find out!"

The centaur turned to the two boys. "I am quite real, Draco Malfoy. Harry Potter, do you know what is hidden within the school at this very moment?"

"Yes, do you?"

"Do you know what unicorn blood is used for?"

Draco answered. "It can keep someone alive when nothing else will, but it will curse you or the rest of your life if you drink it. You'll only really be half alive."

"Who would be that desperate?" Harry wondered.

The centaur smiled grimly. "Can you think of no one?"

Draco blinked. "Why would Voldemort have watched 'West Side Story'?"

"More to the point, why would he be singing 'I Feel Pretty'?"

"He has a thing for Broadway musicals," the centaur answered.

"Oh…"

Hagrid, Hermione, and Fang came running toward the three. "Firenze!" The gamekeeper called out. "All right there, boys?" They nodded.

"Mars is bright tonight," Firenze said softly.

Draco nodded and began backing away from the crazy centaur. "Good horsey-person. Nice horsey-person." Harry began humming a lullaby.

"Well, I think that'll be all, Firenze," Hagrid said in a soothing tone. "Have a good night."

Four humans and one dog made their way out of the Forbidden Forest, checking over their shoulders for demented Centaurs as they went.

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Year One is going to be ending within the next chapter, so whoo-hoo!! Thanks to everyone who reviewed! I really appreciate it! -quells sappy demon with a frying pan- The song "I Just Wanna Live" is by Good Charlotte.

evil older sister: No, I don't mind at all! I was actually thinking of having that line put on a t-shirt. :) -Gives out hot cocoa-

Lady FoxFire: Nooo!!! Not Pringles!! What did that yummy piece of cookie ever do to deserve this?! :) I agree. Cho does need torture, but that's going to have to wait until Harry developes hormones. (Year Three at the earliest) Dumbledore, however, I plan to slowly drive insane over the course of seven fics. The itchy underwear was just the beginning. Fawkes, though, I'm going to leave alone…or possibly liberate and make into a co-conspirator.

SIT-Snake in Toilet. :) -Gives out hot cocoa-

athenakitty: A lot of people seem to have a vendetta against Marge… Fortunately, I have a plan! Unfortunately, it doesn't start until the summer before second year. Oh well. –Gives out hot cocoa-

Signeus: I took a look at what you had posted after you mentioned it. Interesting… You really should finish it. It's quite good. –Gives out hot cocoa-

Night-Owl123: Thanks for reviewing! How's this for soon? :) -Gives out hot cocoa-

Xenocide: Benadryl and insomnia, my friend. It's a fun combination. –Gives out hot cocoa-

Fluffy Sun: Thanks! -Gives out hot cocoa-

evil manda: Thanks! I get my ideas directly from my cat, Snowflake. She's probably possessed by alien elves… I find insomnia also helps. -Gives out hot cocoa-

Drake Smythe: Sorry to have disappointed you, but there are times when I'm loathe to deviate completely from the cannon. I simply couldn't see Harry wanting anything more than his parents and Godparents. I also couldn't resist adding in a couple of rubber chickens. Snogard is actually dragons backwards…and aren't they a little young still to be snogging? Thanks for reviewing, though! -Gives out hot cocoa-

Dark Illusionist: I was actually going to do that in Year Two, but your review gave me a jolt of inspiration! I'll just have to give them the map in the second year instead… -grins- It's fun not sticking to a mental outline! -Gives out hot cocoa-

Nahirta: Thanks! Wow, yours too? Rumples is actually based off of a stuffed mouse I have. It also craves world domination! Actually, the chapter titles only contain hints as to what's in the text. In this case, it was Norbert and Erised. I write these things pretty late at night, so the rationality is kept to a minimum. :) -Gives out hot cocoa-


	13. Chapter Thirteen: That's gotta hurt!

**Disclaimer:** Merry Christmas, everybody!

I pity anyone who hasn't figured this out by now…so I'll say it in code! :)

Soddy Mister Cornflower gambles around toothpicks eating strawberries. Everyone got that? Great! On with the story…

Chapter Thirteen: That's gotta hurt!

The finals at Hogwarts went by without a hitch for the three Slytherins, particularly since Harry and Draco no longer had to worry about Quidditch. The final match had been played the previous Saturday: Slytherin vs. Ravenclaw. Harry had caught the snitch within twenty minutes with a final score of 180-0. The whole of Slytherin house hadn't stopped smiling until their Transfiguration finals. Ron and Neville, however, had to visit Madame Pomfrey because they had both fallen asleep during the History of Magic exam and mysteriously developed a patch of superglue between their faces and their books. The three Slytherins were strolling outside afterward when Harry had a crisis of conscience.

"We should really find some other people to experiment on…"

"Feeling guilty?" Hermione looked amused.

"No, but they're starting to get suspicious."

Draco gave an evil grin. "I recommend we do something to one of the professors!"

"Who?" Hermione looked slightly nervous. "McGonagall will take house points, Snape would kill us, Remus and Sirius would get us back, and Hagrid wouldn't notice. That leaves Quirrel."

"And Dumbledore," Jinx pointed out hopefully. The snake was currently possessed by Loki.

The two boys broke out into identical wicked smiles. Hermione looked panicked.

"We can't prank Dumbledore! We could be expelled!"

"Not if he can't prove we did it," Draco pointed out. "Besides he needs more suffering than perpetually itchy underwear."

Harry grinned. "Yeah…something like…" The three began plotting.

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That night the three watched the Headmaster carefully, making sure that he took precisely three bites of mashed potatoes and a long swig of pumpkin juice. Then Harry wandlessly turned him into a large blue bunny. The two potions activated…

"Wow…Dumbledore's trying to bite off Hagrid's head…" Draco was impressed.

"Oooohhhh!" Harry winced. "Smack down!"

"I wonder if Hagrid will feel guilty for that in the morning?" Hermione murmured.

Harry began pointing wildly. "Hey! He's starting to foam!"

Draco giggled. "Rabid Dumbledore Bunny…"

Hermione shushed the two. "The outward changes are starting!" The rabid rabbit slowly began to develop something yellow around its waist…a duck-headed floaty. "Harry, as funny as this is, it worries me that you could actually think of something like this…"

"Shush! Sirius has a tranquilizer gun!" Harry winced. "Do you think once McGonagall wakes up, she'll leave him alive?"

"Considering where he shot her, I doubt it."

Draco began laughing hysterically. "She'll have to stand in line! Did you see where he shot Snape?! It's a good thing he hates children!!"

Remus snatched the gun from his mate before he could do anymore damage and promptly shot the rabid bunny. He, Sirius, and Pomfrey immediately began removing the wounded while the entire school laughed themselves silly.

Once the three had calmed down, Hermione noticed something odd. "Where's Quirrel?"

Harry felt a prickling at the back of his mind from Hades. _Someone just got past Fluffy…_ "He just got past Fluffy," Harry said, eyes widening. The three jumped up and ran out of the Great Hall. Harry pulled Jinx out of his pocket. "Siren! Go get Sirius and Remus! Tell them Quirrel's going after the stone!"

"And for Merlin's sake, tell them in English!" Draco added. The rubber snake took off towards the Infirmary as the three Slytherins began climbing the stairs.

Hermione frowned. "How are _we_ going to get past Fluffy?"

Persephone, now in Rumples, spoke up from Harry's other pocket. "Leave the puppy to me. I have a gift for handling three-headed dogs."

They reached the door in less than three minutes. Hermione _alohamora_'d it open, and Harry tossed Rumples inside. They could briefly hear the sound of dogs barking and Persephone humming a lullaby…then came three large snores. "Let's go," Harry said, stepping inside. Fluffy was passed out in a corner, hair once more intact, and Rumples was sitting beside the trapdoor. Harry scooped up the mouse and peered into the dark shaft.

"I say we just jump," Draco said.

"You sound like a Gryffindor."

"Ron, specifically," Hermione added.

The blonde glared at her and jumped in. His voice drifted up from below, "There's a squishy plant thing down here! It's perfectly safe!" Draco began giggling madly. Hermione and Harry shared a look and jumped in.

Hermione growled as black flowers began to sprout out of the plant. "This is a Numbing Nightshade. The flower emits nitrous oxide until the victim dies from suffocation!" She began to grin lopsidedly. "Perfectly safe, eh, Blondie?" She giggled.

Draco grinned widely. "What do we do, oh knowledgeable pumpkin?"

Harry began chanting, "Burn it! Burn it!"

Hermione laughed. "The gas is highly flammable. That would kill us all!"

Harry pouted as he snickered. "Spoil sport! _Iuguolo paliurus_!" The Numbing Nightshade began to shrivel rapidly, dropping the three to the floor below. It was dead inside of a minute.

"Harry! I told you not to make up spells!" Hermione's attempt at scolding was impeded greatly by her goofy expression.

Draco giggled. "Make up as many as you like, scar-head! I, for one, like being alive." Harry bowed and threw open the doors to the next room.

The room was filled with five large barrels full of tomatoes floating in what looked like water. At the other end of the room was a pair of sturdy iron doors. Hermione tried them, then tried to _alohamora _them. The spell failed miserably.

"I think the key is in one of the tomatoes…" Harry said thoughtfully.

Hermione frowned. "We don't have time for this. _Prosterno!_" The iron doors exploded outward into the next room.

Draco blinked. "You're a little scary sometimes, 'Mione." Behind the three, the tomatoes were growing arms, legs, and mouths.

Harry nodded. "And I thought you told me not to make up spells." The tomatoes began pulling themselves out of the barrels.

Hermione turned to face the two and screamed. "IT'S THE ATTACK OF THE KILLER TOMATOES!!!" Harry and Draco looked behind them, then grabbed her and ran into the next room.

Draco took one look at the room and groaned. "We really do not have time to play a game of giant chess while being pursued by carnivorous fruits…" The blonde had a sudden idea. "Harry, call Ate and have her make us invisible!" Harry nodded and pulled out Rumples. Draco pointed his wand at Harry and Hermione. _"Effingo populus!" _Then he pointed his wand at himself. "_Effingo quisque." _Holograms of the three Slytherins appeared as the real trio vanished.

Hermione hissed in annoyance. "Draco, don't you start making things up as well."

The blonde grinned as he made the three holograms run around the chess board. "I borrowed Harry's pocket dictionary. You should try this sometime, 'Mione. It's great fun!" The tomatoes were swarming over the chess board as the three stood off to the side. When the hoard reached the white pieces, the pawns drew their swords and began attacking, but the white side was no match for the tomatoes. Within minutes, the whites were decimated. Then Draco forced the three holograms back into the barrel room, and the Slytherins slipped through the far door.

"Ate, keep us invisible," Harry whispered. She nodded against his hand.

Inside the room, there were seven bottles in different shaped vials and a piece of paper with writing on it:

_Five of these are poison._

_Two of these are not._

_One will get you through the flames._

_One will make you drop._

_Suffer, you fools! Suffer!_

Draco put on his best wide-eyed innocent look. "Gee…I wonder whose protection this is?"

Harry matched his expression. "I just can't imagine."

Hermione sighed in defeat. "Harry, hand me your dictionary." She began flipping through the pages rapidly. Two minutes later: "_Ostendo venenum!_" Five of the bottles began to glow brightly. "These are the poisons." Draco pulled them to the side.

She began pouring through the dictionary again. "_Ostendo quietus venenum!_" The smaller of the two vials began to glow. "That's the sleeping draught." She smiled guiltily. "Actually, this is pretty fun…but that doesn't make it any less dangerous!"

Draco grabbed her arm. "Lecture later, stop Quirrel now."

The three drank some of the final vial and eased open the door into the final room. Harry's scar immediately began throbbing. Inside, Quirrel was standing in the center of what looked to be stair-filled lecture room. There was a large table in front of him covered with different types of rocks, and he was pointing his wand at them and muttering revealing spells. Hades was nowhere to be seen.

Harry reached out mentally. _Hades?_

_I'm under the table_, the god responded. _Don't worry. I swallowed the stone._

_Are you sure you swallowed the right one?_

_Yes._

_Good boy!_ Harry paused at the feeling of disgruntlement. _Sorry…_ He glanced at his companions. /Any ideas?/

/No./ (Draco)

/Not a clue./ (Hermione)

An eerie voice emerged from the back of Quirrel's head. "Potter isss here… I can sssense him…" Quirrel immediately looked around the room.

"Master," Quirrel's voice was breathy but lacking its stutter. "There is no one here."

"I will ssssee for myssself…"

Quirrel opened his mouth to respond then sighed defeatedly. "Yes, Master." He began unwinding his turban slowly.

Beneath it was a waxen face with red eyes.

_That'll destroy your appetite!_ Ate whispered in Harry's mind.

Draco and Hermione met Harry's panicked eyes, all three thinking the same thing: /We are so dead!/

/That's Voldemort!/ (Harry)

/Once again, the academy would like to congratulate Mr. Obvious./ (Draco)

/What do we do now?/ (Hermione)

/I have an idea./ (Harry)

Hermione and Draco shared a look of mutual resignation. /Bring on the doom…/

_Ate, can you make us noiseless, too?_ Harry asked mentally.

_Duh! I'm aGoddess…_ One day Harry wasgoing to find out how she madefour words sound so snide.

_Thanks._ Harry ran around to the side of the table opposite Quirrel and crawled beneath it. He scooped up Hades the stuffed dog and began crawling out. _Hades, you need to be invisible too._

_Already taken care of,_ the god answered.

_Why haven't you taken out Quirrel, anyway?_ Harry asked.

_He's got some sort of magic barrier around him._ _I can't even get a decent plague through!_

Voldemort was looking at the table full of fake gems and murmuring "_The koalas are coming…the koalas are coming…_"

"These are not real," he hissed. "Where is the ssstone?!"

"It must be here, Master!" Quirrel said desperately. "There are no more rooms!"

_Ate, can you subtly suggest that it might have been among the tomatoes?_

He felt the goddess give a mental smirk. _I'm rubbing off on my little boy! I'm so proud!_ Harry blushed, not sure if it was a compliment or not. _Give me a sec… _The goddess slipped herself into Quirrel's mind for a moment.

"Master…perhaps Dumbledore hid it among the tomatoes. He hid the key there, after all."

Voldemort seemed to consider this for a long moment. "Yessss…that would be very like the old fool…_darn those koalas!_ To the tomatoes, Quirrel!" Quirrel left the room quickly, heading back into the other rooms.

"Quick!" Harry whispered to his friends. "Grab the bottles of poison and follow me!" The three dashed silently through the rooms, slipping past Quirrel as they went.

They made it just in time for Harry to dump the bottles of poison into the barrels. The three watched as Quirrel began bobbing for tomatoes, dunking Voldemort under the surface as well.

A few moments later, Quirrel began to moan piteously. "I feel so hot, Master…"

Voldemort's face was filled with dawning understanding. "Quickly! We must find the sstone!" At the last second, Voldemort's spirit made a break for it, flying through a nearby wall.

Then Quirrel imploded.

The three winced in sympathy as Sirius and Remus came running through the door. "Ewwww…"

"Harry?" Remus called, sniffing the air.

_Ate, you can cancel the invisibility now. _Harry, Hermione, and Draco reappeared wearing identical expressions of disgust.

"That was _so_ gross!" Draco groaned.

"That was _so _illegal!" Hermione added.

"That was _so_ brilliant!" Harry was literally patting himself on the back, his tattoos clearly visible on his hands.

Sirius blinked, and then scooped up his godson. "Why did you come down here by yourselves?! You're Slytherins! You're supposed to be most interested in self-preservation!"

"We are," Hermione said. "And self-preservation demands that Voldemort (the three ignored the two men's winces) not be allowed to return."

They made their way out of the rooms and to the infirmary, explaining what had happened along the way. Inside, Severus was waking up, and Dumbledore was still a rabid rabbit. Harry and Draco stopped the Potions Master before he could lunge at Sirius and handed him the now unpossessed stuffed dog. His hand closed around it.

He gave the two boys a shocked look. "Is this…?" They nodded.

"We thought you might like to study it," Draco whispered to him.

"And it really doesn't need to fall into the wrong…er…paws," Harry added. Severus smirked towards the blue bunny and tucked the dog safely away into a pocket of his robe.

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The End of the Year feast was decked out in Slytherin green. McGonagall was presiding as Dumbledore was still stuck as a rabid rabbit in the Hospital Wing. "It's time to award the house points," she began. "In fourth place with 127 points is Hufflepuff. Gryffindor is in third place with 283 points. In second place with 325 points is Ravenclaw, and Slytherin is in first place with 549 points." She gritted her teeth and smiled at Severus. "Congratulations, Slytherins. Now let's eat!"

Food appeared on the tables, and Harry grinned as the Weasley twins turned into leprechauns and everyone else from the other houses developed lime green beards. Sirius and Remus gave him jaunty waves from the teacher's table. He couldn't wait for the summer…

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Here's a list of the original spells used in "The Lesser of Two Evils: Year One" (on the off chance that anyone wonders about them or wants to use them in another fic):

Nopilosus Totalus- (direct translation: totally without hair) causes victim to become completely bald

Crocinus Lubricus- (direct translation: saffron oil slick) causes a puddle of saffron oil to appear on the floor

Ligocum Catena- (direct translation: to bind with chains) causes victim to be bound with large iron chains

Inluminare Conclave- (direct translation: to light up a room) causes room to be filled with light.

Iuguolo Paliurus- (direct translation: to destroy a plant) causes plant to shrivel up and die.

Prosterno- (direct translation: to destroy; ruin) causes target to explode outward.

Effingo Populus- (direct translation: copy people) creates holograms of people in a ten foot radius

Effingo Quisque- (direct translation: copy person) creates hologram of a person

Ostendo Venenum- (direct translation: reveal poison) reveals poisonous substances

Ostendo Quietus Venenum- (direct translation: reveal sleeping potion) reveals sleeping draught

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A big thank you to everyone who's reviewed and/or added me to their favorites list! You guys are _so_ great!! Hopefully, my insanity hasn't driven anyone away from reading the next year when it comes out… :) Merry Christmas to all, and avoid duck-headed floaties worn by rabid blue bunnies!

Nahirta: I'm so happy you liked rapper!Draco. I'll let you in on a little secret…I knew just enough slang words to write those few sentences. :) I wonder if there's a slang dictionary in print somewhere? I'm not sure if there's a massive conspiracy for stuffed animals to take over the world, though. I think they're probably like cats; they want to, but they don't like anything that labor intensive. –Gives out pecan pie-

athenakitty: One large hex on Dumbledore fresh from the press! I just couldn't end the school year without doing something else to him… :) -Gives out pecan pie-

hi: Thanks! Merry Christmas to you, too! -Gives out pecan pie-

Lady FoxFire: Nope. I never had it. That's okay, though. Life is way more interesting without it! :) Hmmm…Draco the surfer dude…that would make for a very interesting 'What I Did on My Summer Vacation' essay. –Gives out pecan pie-

evil manda: Actually, that's the interesting thing. Even if they were Santa's little helpers, they would still be alien elves because the North Pole isn't part of America. Of course, they could always apply for citizenship, but I digress. –Gives out pecan pie-

Signeus: Thanks! Incidentally, the hot cocoa was home-made using melted Hershey's bars, milk, and little marshmallows. It's actually my grandmother's recipe. The pecan pies are also home-made. :) -Gives out pecan pie-

Saetan: Too much sugar, too much caffeine, and _way_ too much Three Stooges! -Gives out pecan pie-

Camarts: Wow…that's a whole lot of pleases… I'm glad you like the story! -Gives out pecan pie-

Drake Smythe: An excellent point, but Harry and Hermione both grew up in the muggle world, so they are more likely to see things from that standpoint. Draco however… I loved your suggestions, but I don't publish a chapter until I have the next one written, and I was a bit too enamored with the attack of the killer tomatoes. Thanks, though. I've actually got an idea for adapting the flying rubber ducks for later use. (grins evilly) –Gives out pecan pie and shortbread cookies-

silver: Thanks! Caffeine highs are the greatest! Nice ideas, by the way. I'm thinking instead of Erised, why not do it in real life (or the story's world, anyway)? Hmmm…a Death-Eater dance-a-thon including the Hokey-Pokey and The Dance of the Sugarplum Faeries with Voldie rapping out an original song… So many possibilities! -Gives out pecan pie-

crazy-lil-nae-nae: I read your review, and _I_ needed to buy a new keyboard! That was great! How 'bout we just call it mutual admiration? :) -Gives out pecan pie-

Elle: Thanks so much!! I just love when people tell me things like that! -Grabs prop as ego swell to the size of a hot-air balloon- -Gives out pecan pie-

Zerostrike: Harry sane? Well, we can't have that! I do hope the rabid bunny with the floaty eradicated any traces of sanity that may have been present! (Incidentally, it's quiet.) Thanks, and Merry Christmas to you too! -Gives out pecan pie-


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